<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Heart full of soul by kawoshingirl</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26451568">Heart full of soul</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawoshingirl/pseuds/kawoshingirl'>kawoshingirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>First Love, M/M, Multi, Yaoi, Yuri, and kaworu wants to draw him, asuka being best girl and also a lesbian, but also they're roommates, everyone gets to be happy eventually so don't worry, first times can be embarassing, kaworu is an artist, really overall fluff, shinji is of course depressed, they're kind of funny too bc they can't flirt for shit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:33:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>38,591</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26451568</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawoshingirl/pseuds/kawoshingirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji Ikari goes to NERV, a private school, and meets a certain pale boy called Kaworu Nagisa. They're both very antisocial teenagers who immediatly become glued to each other. Also, they're soulmates, but none of them are aware.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Horaki Hikari/Suzuhara Touji, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu, Makinami Mari Illustrious/Souryuu Asuka Langley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. You're so cute</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, hi! I decided to write this fanfic because I had a dream about Shinji and Kaworu meeting in highschool and getting off. It's not very complex or filled with more angst than normal for poor depressed Shinji, but I think it will be a few chapters long; I decided to portrait their falling in love with each other in loads of details, lol. I've never written Kawoshin before, so any positive critics will be fine. Enjoy the story of two boys I aprecciate very much!!! Oh, and I must add: I posted this on Kaworu's twentieth birthday! Happy birthday, little angel.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>NERV was a private school meant for the wealthy, or, in Asuka's case, the best. She'd gotten in through a scholarship provided by her outstanding report card, and couldn't be happier about it, because it'd meant she wouldn't be pulled apart from her childhood friends, Rei Ayanami and Shinji Ikari. The latter was well-off because of his parent's worldwide company, EVA, so, naturally, he would have the best money could afford. Or the best according to Gendo Ikari. </p><p>Yui, his mother, had passed away four years before due to a terminal disease, when the boy was only twelve years old. It was very traumatic, of course, since Shinji never had a good relationship with his father beforehand, while having a great one with his mom. So he never mentioned Yui again, capsuled inside a world of endless grieving, which he'd never gotten off from, except when he was with Rei and Asuka. A shy boy from birth, now he was just <em> tired</em>. Tired of people. Of trying to connect to new things and end up losing them, one after the other, until only him remained. </p><p>And Rei, well, she was just Rei. She didn't try to be show stopping, like Asuka, did not live in her own shell like Shinji. Never wanted to be someone she wasn't, and never thought about a great aspiration in life, or searched for deeper meanings. She was a rather quiet girl with an affectionate personality towards those she truly cared about, which generally only meant her two best friends, since Rei was an orphan. Her parents were Yui's cousins, and they'd died when she was still a toddler in a car crash, so the Ikari family adopted her, despite her last name never ceasing to be Ayanami. </p><p>She supposed she'd never thought about other possibilities, having no memory of her deceased parents, so it didn't really bother her the fact that she was adopted, because Shinji was there, like a brother, even though she never considered Yui and Gendo as parents, or felt any sort of love for them. She did care about them, though, since they cared for her, and most importantly, for Shinji. <em> People keep saying how lucky I should feel about being here, especially Asuka, but I don't really feel that this is any different from the other schools we've been through, me and Shinji, and I'm only here for him, of course. It could be nice, nonetheless. Starting high school with new, unknown people, in a new city. I'm sure Asuka's looking really forward to that, so I'm happy because of her, too. </em></p><p>Asuka could look forward to it all she liked, but Shinji was definitely not in the mood for that lately. Lately meant the last four years. The boy had graduated school with honors, but not caring about them, and just went with his father's decision of NERV as a highschool. It wasn't like he would get to do what he wanted with his life when school came to an end, anyways, so what was the point? At least he would be able to live away from his cold blooded figure of a father for a good three years, since the school had a boarding system. <em> Maybe that's why he chose NERV. Maybe he wants me to be away just as I want him to do the same. We finally agree on something</em>. </p><p>The trio had arrived in the building a few hours earlier, and a charismatic boy named Touji guided them to their dorms. Asuka and Rei would sleep on the girls' side of the building, on the second floor, sharing a room with two other chicks, and Shinji would be on the boys' floor, the first, sharing a room with other three guys, one of them happening to be Touji. </p><p>Touji wasn't new to NERV. He'd told them he studied there since he was eight years old, so he knew his way around, but, unfortunately, had no idea who were their other roommates, "We don't have a list or anything, we only get to know who we're paired with when we arrive after vacations and check in the reception, though the bedroom doesn't always change. For example, for the last five years I've been paired with Kensuke, my best friend. Before high school, it's just two per room, you see. But I'm hoping we'll still be together this year, though the chances are a bit lower. Anyways, don't worry about it, you couldn't be in better company, Shinji!".  </p><p>To that, Shinji truly felt a little less tense. That boy didn't sound like a pain in the ass, for once, which was a relief, but it wasn't like they were going to best friends. He would be fine. He didn't even have to turn around to sense that Rei was piercing him through with worried looks; she knew him too damn well for his own good. He signaled an ok with his thumb, and Rei eased up on him. </p><p><em> Rei knew before me just how anxious I felt about the whole dorm thing. Of course, she lives with me since we're kids, so she knows my struggle with people. It's not like I'll treat anyone coldly or be overall an asshole, it's just I'm never really there in presence. I could listen to Touji for hours and laugh and chat, but my mind would be far away, maybe playing the ninth symphony. Too distant for anyone to reach. It's a good way of dealing with having to talk and be out there. God [I'm an atheist] knows how I get shy and cover it up. </em> </p><p>After that little school tour was done (Touji only had the time to show the dorms; the school was gigantic) and all their bags were put in their new bedrooms, their guide brought them to a huge, cavernous place. It was the dining hall. Asuka could barely contain the drool threatening to fall from her mouth. The trio felt quiet for a while, looking around, absorbing the massive amount of students chatting, hugging, walking around. It was in the moment that the big clock in front of what Shinji supposed to be the teacher's table struck six o' clock that everyone, or the majority of the students, started to sit down. </p><p>
  <em> Fuck. Where do I even sit? I don't even know anyone here. Will I look pathetic if I don't have that many friends? I'm absolutely sure I look lost. Stop with that at once, Asuka, and get your sorry ass moving with stupid Shinji and senseless Rei, or they'll just be still.  </em>
</p><p>With a tight grip that was more for her own reassurance than being rude to her friends, Asuka marched on, holding both their hands, towards an empty table in the middle of that crowd. Touji, feeling amused, decided to follow them. On his way after the trio, he met up with Kensuke, who joined the small group. Rei, Asuka and Shinji, respectively, were now occupying the same row of chairs, while Kensuke and Touji occupied the other. </p><p>"So, hi. I didn't get to introduce myself while Miss Furious broke her way through her fellow students to find this special empty table among other two hundred ones (chuckles). I'm Kensuke. Kensuke Aida."</p><p>"I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, and you better not call me Miss Furious again. Otherwise I can consider living up to the joke", the girl replied. Really, she knew how to be intimidating when she felt like it. It was her eyes. He could see will burning on them. Kensuke smiled, having gotten the reaction he'd wanted to see. These three were an interesting lot. "Ok, Miss Asuka. I'll be sure to not forget that. I quite like you". Asuka barely blinked at his reply, letting out a small ironical chuckle. <em> I hope you don't like me in any other way, Mister Aida, because you're far from being my... type. Maybe if you grow a nice pair of boobs I'll quite like you too. </em> </p><p>"She doesn't always bark, I swear. I'm Rei Ayanami, and this is Shinji Ikari, my step-brother". When she presented herself, everyone sitting nearby got a little quieter, just because. Rei had a way of unwillingly attracting people's attention due to her lack of trying that was so ironic. It was probably what Asuka masturbated to. Or cried to. Shinji thanked both Asuka and Rei internally, because due to them being such a strong presence in their own ways, almost no one ever bothered to look at the remaining piece of the trio. </p><p>And, as expected, Kensuke only gave him a nod, acknowledging his presence. The boys and the girls, except for Shinji, started a comfortable discussion about their impressions of the school, what the teachers were like, what could be expected. Shinji was thinking of the last book he'd read, <em> The Bell Jar </em>. He and Rei shared a passion for literature like no other, unlike Asuka, who much preferred dancing and her swimming classes. </p><p>Shinji had never even learned how to swim. As kids, Rei and Shinji both took classes, but, unlike his step-sister, the boy was more of a sinker than a swimmer, no matter how much effort he put into it. Eventually, his father got sick of seeing his only male son crying while Rei won praises for her talent. Shinji would never forget the hot afternoon when his mom had gone away to visit their grandmother, and Gendo decided it was time to take a dive in the sea. He drove both the kids to a beach not too far from their hometown, claiming it would be a fun day, promising them ice creams and sun tans, and, of course, off they went.</p><p>When they got there, Rei almost at once wanted to go into the sea, which made Gendo irritated. The problem wasn't her; it was Shinji, who, being eight, still hid himself behind Rei so he could be away from the water. So, after choosing a seat in the restaurant by the shore, he pulled both kids into his arms and entered the water, despite his son's shivers and weak pleas. </p><p>Shinji did his best not to cry or get desperate; he knew it would be worse if he did that, and his mom wasn't there. Rei, alone, wasn't a match for Gendo. But it was so hard not to grip his dad's arm with as much strength as he could gather while the man advanced. The water was surprisingly hot, and he could hear Rei's delightfulness, her happy giggles. He wanted that. He wanted to be her. Wanted to please his dad like Rei could, without a single effort.</p><p>"It's a sink or swim world, Shinji", and then he was in the water, without any support. His dad had dropped him, thinking the best way for his son to learn would be having to swim for his life. He was wrong. <em> To this day, I remember every minute of that episode, but something just always stood out more than the rest. I'll never forget the feeling of the salt in my eyes; no one bothered to tell me how it hurts if you keep your eyes open underwater, because I could never even get to the point of diving, not even with my teacher helping me. That was the first impression I had after sinking; I was gripping to that one detail so my mind wouldn't be overwhelmed by panic. </em> </p><p>That day, he almost drowned himself. And not only himself, but Rei too, which was the worst part of it all. Shinji tried to shake his arms and stay afloat, tried to remember what his teacher had taught, but the anxiety in him had a grip stronger than the water, and, eventually, he tried to push himself up by clinging to Rei, who was still nearby, distracted in her own fun.</p><p>Rei only realized what was going on when her brother was already pulling her down. When he reached her in the first moment, she felt so happy, thinking he'd finally join in on her play, but one look at him made her understand the despair in his expression. Breathing became harder, as Shinji tried to grab her by the elbows, by the arms, by whatever he could reach for. </p><p>She knew he wasn't hurting her on purpose, but he was still doing it, his short nails cutting her pale skin, his legs kicking her body, and she couldn't calm him down; there wasn't time for it; when she tried to talk to him, water would go down her throat, and it didn't seem like Shinji could really absorb the words. They weren't even that deep down in the sea, but everything around suddenly became so threatening, and she wanted to go away. She wanted to take Shinji somewhere safe. Where were the ice creams and the sun Gendo had sworn they would get?</p><p>Shinji knew he was putting Rei at risk, but his mind was working in a very short source of oxygen, so all he could muster was clinging to her. She was his savior, and he was her decay. In those minutes that felt like forever, the boy started to hate his father with all his heart, because how could he. How could he drop him like a weightless sack of potatoes in the middle of the freaking sea, when he clearly had a problem with swimming. How could he watch Rei and him battling for air and not do anything? Why couldn't his father be happy with Shinji being himself, just once? Where was mom? Why couldn't he at least take Rei away? <em> Drowning is a mix of feelings. Your mind screams for air, your lungs too, and your heart is bursting out of its cage to give you as much strength as it can. Of course, it all turns a mess when you can't even stay afloat, and if a poor soul is near you, well, you take them down, because it's just instincts. The water gets everywhere; in your mouth when you try to scream, your eyes, your ears. At a certain moment you just really want to let go, but you can't. It's your body against your consciousness, and that's the worst of it all. You don't even get a nice replay of your life while you think you're about to die. You just get despair.  </em></p><p>Of course, they didn't really drown there. When Rei managed to emerge to scream for help, Gendo understood how out of control the situation had gotten, and swam over to the kids, grabbing Shinji first. The boy kicked and gasped for air, punching his father with the little will he had. </p><p>Then he just started crying. Rei got out of the water by herself, and didn't accuse her brother, didn't cry, while Gendo cursed his son in every manner he could. In fact, the girl never blamed Shinji for hurting her, or grew negative feelings towards the boy's father for it, not even when Yui had a huge fight with her husband because of the episode. She knew Shinji already had enough of that hatred, thus, she just accepted her position of being what kept her brother together; his guardian. They went home, Gendo driving as fast as he could, Shinji trembling in Rei's lap. The Ikari's never went to the beach again. </p><p>Asuka stopped speaking mid-sentence when she saw everyone in the table had suddenly gone quiet. Well, except Shinji, who was already quiet since the start, his gaze far away, probably thinking about naked boys. Such a perv. <em> Speaking about boys, here's a fine specimen, even I can recognize that </em>. A tall boy was walking towards a table near them. From the short distance, Asuka could see his grey hair and his unusual way of portraying himself. As he passed people by, they were left mesmerized by him. It seemed like no one even tried to cover up their blatant stares at the guy, who kept going his way, humming to himself, as if nothing much was going on. He reminded her of Rei, always a bit out of place, unbothered by worldly concerns, like he was above that kind of stuff. Touji leaned in to whisper something, probably a gossip about the interesting stranger, when the boy sat in the remaining chair, facing Shinji directly. Apparently, that was too much for the students to take in, because Asuka could hear people whispering. Loudly. What was even the point of whispering loudly? Bunch of losers. </p><p>Shinji was still lost in thoughts when he sensed Asuka pinching his arm ever so slightly. He looked up, scared, and found scarlet eyes facing him. No, not only facing him. Looking straight into his own eyes. He blushed, unsettled. The owner of those eyes was the most beautiful boy he'd ever seen, and it was not an understatement. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Touji and Kensuke wide-mouthed, looking at each other, and he didn't hear Asuka's voice.<em> It's serious, really, if Asuka finally shut up. </em> The boy in front of him opened a large smile at what surely was Shinji's idiotic expression of surprise and recognition of someone as pretty as him. The smile didn't look cruel, at the slightest, and that caught Shinji off guard. "Looks like I finally got your attention, huh? Hi, again". <em> Why is he talking to me, of all people? Is he friends with Touji? Or a new student with no friends? </em></p><p>"Oh... Hi. Sorry. I was... thinking of something", Shinji answered, making his best effort not to stutter on his words. It wasn't his fault if pretty boys made him feel more awkward and dumb than normal. </p><p>"I could see that from the other side of the hall, surely. It's an awfully rare look nowadays", the stranger muttered in his soft mannered voice. Everything about him felt exactly in place. <em> He's really talking just to me, and ignoring everyone here? What in the hell? Has he just said he was looking at me from across the room? Who even is this guy? </em></p><p>"Well... you must be right", he declared, feeling stupid right as the words left his mouth, but he didn't have a clue of what to answer.<em> Must be right? Is that all? Can't you even maintain a conversation? If Asuka teases me later, I'll surely have deserved it. </em></p><p>"I'm Kaworu Nagisa, by the way. You can call me Kaworu. Can't believe I forgot to tell you my name...I was distracted, naturally. You're so cute'. Kaworu had a way with words that made everything he said sound very genuine; it would be hard to recognize a lie coming out of his mouth. And to that, Shinji really,<em> really </em>didn't know what to say. His brain had gone out for a walk and never made it back. </p><p>Talking to Kaworu was like receiving a charge of electricity, while other people didn't produce any effect on him. He was so unused to feeling fully present and conscious of every word. He dry swallowed, nervous, as he answered, "Oh, wow, I'm Shinji Ikari. Just Shinji for you. I mean, you can call me whatever you want".  </p><p>"I'll be sure to remember, then, Shinji". Kaworu gave another little smile, and grabbed something in the bag he was carrying; Shinji only then noticed it, having been paying attention to other aspects of his beautiful pale figure. He’d grabbed a notebook, maybe. He couldn't see it very well, and was too ashamed to try and sneak up and have those eyes stare at him again. <em> It wouldn't be too bad, though… </em></p><p>Kaworu pulled his sketchbook from the old bag, and carefully opened it, making sure nothing would fall off. It was an old thing, and it was filled with loose drawings, and a few pages contained a bit of his writing. In hopes of not being too obvious (which he almost always failed at; just like he did seconds ago, saying he thought Shinji was cute aloud), he fetched a pencil and wrote <em> "Draw 'Just Shinji  for you' at some point; in that cute face, he has expressions that are hard to find. Make sure not to look at him like a psycho, Nagisa" </em> down in the border of an empty page, trusting neither Touji or Kensuke would read it. He did it in silence, unconsciously humming the ninth symphony, which drew Shinji's attention again. He wasn't sure it was it, though, because Asuka and Kensuke had started talking again, and Kaworu had looked up from his notebook, seeming excited. </p><p>He fell silent for a good while, just like Shinji, while the other four chatted, and that made Ikari feel closer to him. It was nice to see someone that only spoke when he felt like it, and apparently knew how to stay quiet. When Shinji turned his gaze away, Kaworu enjoyed the chance to sketch him in his mind. </p><p>He got interrupted, though, as Touji directed a question to him, "So, where's Hikari, Nagisa? She usually follows you everywhere. Did you leave her to the wolves?". </p><p>Kaworu brought a hand up to his mouth, laughing, "That's a fun way to put it, Touji, but no, I assure you, I have not left Hikari alone. She was sitting with the other girls from our class, last time I checked". Rei couldn't be sure whether their exchange was a friendly one. Touji had somewhat of a threatened pose near Nagisa, while the other looked amused. </p><p>"You've been here for a while, just like Touji and Kensuke, then?", Asuka questioned with great interest. The boy was probably popular if he was an old student, and she wanted to know just how much. He didn't carry himself as an asshole, but Touji clearly had something against him, and Kaworu had been a little too chatty with Shinji for her own sake. If that boy did anything to her best friend... Hell would turn cold before she let him go.    </p><p>"Oh, well, I've been here since I was fourteen. Not as long as the two of them", Nagisa answered. Asuka nodded, satisfied. She, however, was still curious as to why he'd sat with their group, clearly having other friends, like that Hikari girl. It wasn't for Touji, obviously. Maybe him and Kensuke were friends? What and odd boy.</p><p>There was some noise coming up from the teachers' table, and the students started falling quiet. The headmistress, Misato Katsuragi, a beautiful woman in her thirties, stood up, and gave the students a small speech about the beginning of a new year, what the students could and could not do, and how they should head to their dorms after dinner was served. Minutes went by quickly as food was brought in and they all ate, conversating. Even Kaworu's voice joined in. He was soon enough taking smiles out of Rei's face, and even made Asuka relax. Shinji felt dazed and confused. Nagisa was always trying to put him inside the subject, which made him shy at first, but eventually, he gave in. </p><p>Touji had issues with Kaworu Nagisa. Something about his smile felt so smuggish. Everything about the boy made Touji want to grab him by the arms and shake him until he had a reaction that wasn't a little apologetic laugh or a shrug. How could anyone be so posed? It felt fake. He also hated the fact that, despite having the potential to have anyone he wanted, he chose Hikari Horaki as a pet. He'd been in love with the girl for years, until that pale idiot entered school and left everyone begging for his attention, Hikari included. And he befriended <em> her</em>.</p><p>No one else seemed to reach him. Girls came up to him, talking about the weather or what else, and he would just <em> smile </em> and throw his little charm. Boys tried to get him to play football with them after classes, and he would just dismiss them politely. It was nerve wracking. Touji felt angry whenever he caught sight of those bizarre red eyes. <em> Is he wearing contacts</em>? had been a most recurrent question in NERV for the past years. But no one got to know, because Mr. Nagisa was also Mr. Fucking Mystery. What a pain in the ass. And what exactly did he think he was doing, now, sitting with a group made up mostly of new students? What did he even mean by calling Ikari cute? Freak. </p><p>As people finished  their meals, the hall became emptier and emptier. Rei got up after she stated that everyone was done with their food, and the rest of the group did the same. "Thanks for the tour, Touji. Me and Asuka will head our own way now. Bye. Stay safe", the last sentence was aimed at Shinji, of course, but only him and Asuka could tell. The girls left, and Shinji felt a bit more anxious; being with familiar people eased up his anxiety, and now he'd probably have to say goodbye to Kaworu too and go along with the other two guys. </p><p>"We'll get going, too, yeah?", Touji declared, and started walking along Kensuke. Shinji followed them, noticing that Kaworu walked by his side. </p><p>Feeling observed, he justified, "We're all going in the same direction, aren't we?". They soon discovered they were <em> really </em> all going in the same direction. The pale boy was the last member of the dorm. Shinji couldn't help his smile. What were the odds? Not everyone was happy about that, though, Kensuke could tell. His best friend was basically spitting fire, but kept quiet.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The two of us, hmm?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, guys! I was really happy about the response the previous chapter got, so here's one more.<br/>P.S.: The book Kaworu mentions is actually one of my favorites, lol, I couldn't help it. It's worth the read...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rei and Asuka got to their bedroom, and found two girls already inside, chatting. One of them had chestnut hair falling to her back in messy twin tails, and wore glasses; she looked a bit enigmatic, which quickly got Asuka's attention. The other one, a small girl with her brown hair tied in pigtails and freckles all over her cheeks, came over to greet them.</p><p>"Hi! I'm Hikari Horaki, and this is Mari Makinami. You must be our new roommates". She sounded sweet, and Rei liked her at the sight; she reminded her a bit of Shinji before his mom had died. <em> Is this the girl that Touji mentioned to Nagisa? </em> Asuka got in front of Rei, as usual, and presented themselves, "That's right. I'm Asuka Langley, and this is Rei Ayanami, nice meeting you two". </p><p>They got along pretty quickly, chatting about where they were from, their families, etc. Asuka wasn't a major fan of that subject, so she kept quiet as much as possible, organizing her and Rei's stuff in a wardrobe. No reason to debate on how they'd divide the space, since her and Ayanami were the same person in that sense. She was focused on her task, when a hand touched her shoulder; she turned around to meet Mari's face.</p><p>"Sorry to interrupt. I'm just curious, because I got in with a scholarship, and on the school's site, I could see your name in that section too". Asuka could feel her cheeks getting hotter. It was no shame to not have enough money, but in a school where almost everyone sweated gold, including the two people she was the closest to, she did feel embarrassed; she wasn't expecting anyone to directly talk to her about the scholarship. </p><p>"Yeah. I got the first place. What about it?", Asuka answered, teasingly. Basically, being acid was her way of self defense. That got a smile from Mari. </p><p>"Oh, not much. I was just curious to see who left me in second for the first time in years, that was it, and, you know, you're not disappointing in person. Let's see what we can both do from now on!". Now, that was something that got Asuka happy. Competition. It would be so fun to see this chick trying to beat her in her own game....</p><p>"Alright, Mari. Don't cry about it later", she answered, and felt satisfied when the other girl's defiant expression didn't falter in the slightest. Hikari was looking at the both of them with the corner of his eyes, since she was still enrolled in a dialogue with Rei, and couldn't help but get excited, too. Seeing Mari get compromised to top someone was always fun to watch. It had only happened a few times, and one of them was with poor Kaworu, who got dragged by Hikari to help Mari prove her point about being stronger in arm wrestling than any guy. </p><p>
  <em> "Hiraki-kun, have you ever taken a good glance at my arms? I'm an artist, not a freaking boxer!", Kaworu complained to her, as they approached Mari. It was all over pretty quickly. Mari took him out in one try, not muttering a word. "That girl is a monster. Don't you dare bring me close to her again! I have beautiful arms to preservate, you see?". </em>
</p><p>Hiraki's phone vibrated in the pocket of her trousers, and she grabbed it to make sure it wasn't a call, apologizing to Rei, who was very much unbothered by it. When she saw the message, she couldn't help her silly smiling at the screen. It was like thinking about Kaworu brought him to life. </p><p>
  <em> [G4y b01/Kaw]: hey cutie, what you up to </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: hm its real good that you're not into girls or i'd think you're hitting on me, kaw </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: who says im not &lt;3 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: hm literally the last years of our friendship..., what do you want, kaw? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: would u please stop calling me kaw and start calling me by my actual name? kaworu is such a pretty name why would u not call me by that </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: we've been through this, kaw (lol) </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: i dont know why i still bother </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: exactly, so just let it go and tell me why you texted </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: you're so rude cutie, maybe i just wanted to chat &lt;3 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: ugh stop it with cutie </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: drop the kaw then </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: fuck, u win </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: finally... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: but only for today, ok? tell me what u want already, im kinda busy unpacking </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: you'd never guess...!! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: when u say that it always means u want me to try and guess </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: hm... maybe... stop being a psycho </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: its called knowing your best friend </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: maybe but i still think you're kind of psycho  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me] ok imma leave this and go chat with my new roommates bc they're better than u </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: i was just joking come back :( i'll tell u everything at once ok but dont leave me alone </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: its always so easy to manipulate you nagisa </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: ughhh you love playing with my feelings thats why we're never gonna date, it would be so toxic  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: im not even gonna bother to respond to this little drama show you're putting up  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: fine whatever i didnt love you anyways </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: you should've called me instead of sending a hundred texts and not telling me whats going on... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: you know i hate calls more than i hate homophobes so pack it up </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: u have two minutes to tell me whatever it is I MEAN IT KAWORU NAGISA </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: she called me kaworu omg u guys &lt;3 so happy!! </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: one minute left CUTIE  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: fine. do u remember that guy i stared at in the dining hall earlier today? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: of course i do, you even went there to talk to him and never bothered to TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED :( </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: ok but whos being a drama queen now...? anyways, we talked  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: and...? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: WE'RE ACTUALLY ROOMMATES </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: NO FREAKING WAY </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: I MEAN IT. HIS BED IS LITERALLY RIGHT BESIDE MINE. COULD IT BE ANY BETTER? also hes called shinji ikari  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: it could be better if u shared the same bed </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: stop being a perv hikari-kun i thought you were innocent </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: you were going to say it anyways i just anticipated myself </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [G4y bo1/Kaw]: whatever. i'll tell you if there's anything new in the morning ok so wait for me after breakfast  &lt;3 lov u good night </em>
</p><p>
  <em> [me]: love you too, brat. make sure not to creep this shinji boy out during the night... </em>
</p><p>Hikari put her phone back in her trousers again, and noticed that Asuka had gone to take a shower in one of the two attached bathrooms, while Rei had her earphones on and lay in bed. Mari was nowhere to be seen, which most likely meant she was in the library already. With nothing specific in mind, she changed into her nightgown and walked to the bathroom to get ready for bed. She was stopped midways by a hand touching her wrist as she walked by.</p><p>"Could I talk to you?", Rei's voice asked. Hikari nodded, curiously, and the other girl put her earphones away and got out of bed. <em> She seems so serious. I wonder what it is. </em> </p><p>"You're friends with Nagisa-san?". Hikari blinked in surprise, expecting everything but her friend being the topic of the conversation.<em> Oh! She did say she came to this school with a brother, but she never mentioned names. Maybe it's Shinji Ikari? </em></p><p>Her guess was correct. In response to her yes, Rei replied, "He sat with us for dinner. Touji, one of Shinji's roommates, brought you up when talking to Kaworu-san. I'm sorry to ask, but what exactly are you two?". Hikari couldn't avoid her blushing when she heard Ayanami mention Touji. What had he said...?</p><p>Rei misinterpreted the girl's sudden redness, "I see, you're in love with Nagisa-san, just like I suspected". If Hikari'd been drinking water, she would have spit it with laughter. Her? In love with Kaworu? It could only be a joke. </p><p>"No, it's not like that! No, absolutely not. We're best friends. Nothing more, for God's sake", she declared, trying to maintain her seriousness. Honestly, Rei must've been blind to ever think something like that. And why would she want to know, anyways?</p><p>"Oh. So sorry, then. My mistake", the girl apologized, embarrassed, bringing up even more curiosity from Hikari. </p><p>"You're Shinji Ikari's sister, aren't you?", she asked, knowing she should keep quiet, but not being able to resist the chance of finding out whether her best friend had any chances; maybe Shinji was straight or dating someone. Kaworu was usually a shameless flirt, but when he demonstrated the slightest interest in someone, chances of something small hurting him were so big that almost no one ever really made him happy or kept him fixated for more than a few days. She could count on one hand every time that things had worked out between him and another guy. So, it would be better to know all the dirty secrets before anything could possibly happen. </p><p>Rei nodded, her face becoming more friendly than one minute before. "I was wondering why you asked about Kaworu-kun. Is it related to Shinji, maybe?", Hikari asked, as delicately as she could, not wanting to scare Ayanami away; she could already tell that dealing with her was like dealing with a suspicious cat. </p><p>"Well, yes. He talked to my brother Shinji a lot, and it appears he made a sort of miracle. I wanted to know more about him". </p><p>"Miracle (chuckles)? What do you mean by that, Rei-kun?". <em> I get it that some people compare Kaworu to an angel because of his beauty, but isn't that too much? </em></p><p><em> " </em> Shinji isn't a fan of people, that's all. Excuse me for now". As soon as she finished her sentence, she grabbed her earphones and put them back on. No space for more questions; Hikari wouldn't take anything off her. Truth was that Rei felt very protective over her brother doing new things, and friends were <em> definitely </em> a new thing for him<em>. Though I'm not sure if that was only a friendly exchange from Nagisa's part... </em></p><p>Their first night as roommates went fine. The boys focused on unpacking their bags, deciding how they'd divide the two wardrobes and which beds they'd occupy. The room was big and comfortable, with two attached bathrooms. Shinji sighed in relief; one bathroom would mean a lot of mess, and he hated mess. It was decided that Kensuke would share one of the wardrobes with Touji, as expected of the two inseparable besties, as well as sleeping right by each other's side. The beds were disposed of in pairs on each side of the room<em>. My bed is kind of far away from theirs, but, on the other hand, it's almost glued to Kaworu's...  </em></p><p>When Shinji's cellphone displayed ten p.m., he decided he'd sleep. They'd have the first official day of school in the morning, at eight a.m. sharp, and he had to get as much sleep as possible, since he hated waking up early. He took one of his pajamas out of the drawer and headed to the bathroom. He didn't feel comfortable yet to change in front of the other guys. Kaworu realized that quickly, his gaze following Shinji to the bathroom, and he added a mental note that by the end of the month, he'd have that situation changed. That probably sounded somewhat perverted, but he didn't mean it like that. He just wanted to... Make him feel less terrified of contact with other people. </p><p>When he stopped to think about why he'd put effort into that, something so out of character for him, he came back to Shinji's eyes. He wanted to know what made them so mysterious. And so attractive to him. <em> I've known him for less than three hours; how would I know how he feels? Maybe he has other personal reasons not to change in our room. But I can't brush the feeling that I'm right, that I somehow understand him in the slightest</em>. The thought made a cold shiver run up the nape of his neck.</p><p>Needing a little distraction to his thoughts, he texted Hikari. By the end of their (not so) quick exchange, he already felt much lighter; only with her did he allow himself to maintain a much more laid-back act. Talking to his friend about Shinji made him feel more real and common, like all the boy's he'd felt a thing for, than his mind made him be like. <em> I haven't been with anyone for a good time, so my mind just might be turning little things into huge deals. Maybe I shouldn't even flirt; he's my roommate. How awkward would it be if by next week he's bored all interest out of me? We sleep by each other's side..</em>.</p><p>He checked his phone. It was still too early; not even close to eleven p.m., and he wasn't one to sleep early, like Shinji apparently was. One look to his side revealed the boy sitting in his bed, with earphones on and closed eyes. <em> Does he sleep to music or is he just enjoying them in his own way? </em> Kaworu pondered on his choices. Chatting with Kensuke and Touji was out of question, and drawing with other people nearby made him feel pressured to create something greater than great, aside from being embarrassing. He could do with some reading, so he grabbed a book from his bag and lay in bed. <em> One hundred years of solitude </em>, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, a south-american author. It was one of his favorites of all time; he'd read it again every chance he'd get. What was the term he'd once heard being used to describe this? Comfort book?</p><p>“Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice...”</p><p>He was so focused on that iconic first sentence, picturing a clear mental image of Colonel Aureliano Buendía against the firing squad, looking like the bastard he was, that he almost jumped in surprise when he heard Shinji ask him what he was reading. </p><p>"Oh! Sorry, didn't see you coming. It's called One hundred years of solitude", he answered, closing the book and sitting upright in the bed. Shinji looked at the book and then at him again, a silent confirmation as to whether he could pick the book up or not. Kaworu nodded and handed it to Shinji. It was an old edition, with yellowish pages and full of small pieces of paper marking his favorite quotes. His father, Keel, had read it when he was in his twenties, and decades later, borrowed it to his son. It had more value than whatever he could think of. </p><p>"I've heard of this author before, but I've never read any of his work. How do you like this one?". </p><p>"Actually, if you wanna know, it's one of my favorites. Don't get me started on it, or we'll go to class without any sleep", Kaworu said, giving a little smile, expecting the conversation to end right there. Usually, no one cared about books and his thoughts on them, except for Hikari. Shinji was busy reading the back cover, where the synopsis was. He sat in his own bed, not more than two feet away from Kaworu's, and looked up, amused.</p><p>"It's not like I had any plans. If you tell me about this one, I'll tell you about one of my favorites, too, and then we'll be even on the amount of each other's time spent on rambling about literature. Deal?". Shinji could see the expression of genuine surprise that crossed the boy's eyes for a second, and it made him feel satisfied with himself. Books were his thing; one of the few topics he didn't get nervous about. Of course, he'd lose time of precious sleep, but it didn't feel like a major concern at that exact moment.</p><p>"Alright, then, Shinji. I like that. Am I free to rent your ears for as much as I'd like?". He truly liked that. It was good when other people felt interested in what you have to say.</p><p>"Take as much time as you'd like".</p><p>"Well, you see, the story is just brilliant because it threads a weave along generations of the same family, the Buendía's, I'm sure I've just butchered the pronunciation of that, sorry!, and most of the characters share the same name, it's kind of confusing, but you'll adapt as you read (...)".</p><p>They talked for a good while, most part being Kaworu alone detailing his thoughts, and Shinji appreciating his passion in comfortable silence; he was a great listener. Their other roommates went to sleep at a certain point, and they were left in the dark, chatting in whispers, until they started to feel sleepy. "What time is it, Shinji-kun?". <em> Did he just call me Shinji- </em> kun <em> ? He's so confident...I mean, it's not a big deal. He probably just isn't very formal. </em></p><p>Grabbing his cellphone in the nightstand, he answered, "Shit. Almost two in the morning! The two of us have to actually go to bed, if we don't want to look like zombies tomorrow". Time had gone by without him noticing, which, for someone dealing with chronic anxiety, well, it was a lot to say. </p><p>"The two of us, hmm? We'll see about that", Kaworu replied, laughing as he heard a little choked "oh" come out of the boy's mouth, who was blushing like a poor devil, thanking whatever force responsible for the room being in pure darkness. <em> I promised myself not to be flirty, but seeing him lose his words gives me a sort of joy. I can't help it.  </em></p><p>Shinji's heart almost stopped in his throat when Nagisa got out of bed. <em> He can't be coming to my bed, can he? </em> He just stood where he was, and sighed in relief (and, deep down, the smallest disappointment) when he heard the boy's footsteps going to the wardrobe, to change into his own pajamas. </p><p>Shinji wanted to be able to act honored and say he didn't look, but he obviously did; it wasn't like he could actually see any details. He'd only hear the shuffle of clothes being thrown swiftly on the ground, and new ones being put in a vague silhouette of a boy. It was weird, how intimate it felt to watch Kaworu do that. After he was done, he came back, and stopped on his way by Shinji's bed. "Have a good rest of night. Don't forget about your part of the deal. Anytime, anywhere".</p><p>"Good night, Kaworu-<em> kun"</em>. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Your hands tell you away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Shinji's alarm went off at 7 a.m., and he heard it as a vague sound in the dream he was having; a confusing mix of going to a party and finding no one was there except for a dinosaur. The alarm rang for five minutes straight until his hand blindly reached for it between the sheets. He wasn't finding the stop button, and could feel himself almost waking up. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, fuck, why do classes have to be this early in the morning?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wake up, sleepy-head, turn that freaking thing off. I hate the sound of it", Touji's loud voice brought him back from sleep. Shinji opened his eyes and almost closed them again when clarity hit him right in the face. Apparently, he was the only one still in the process of waking up, since Kaworu was nowhere to be seen and Kensuke was already packing his bag, looking ready. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, sorry about that. I'm a deep sleeper. Is everyone already up?". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, Kensuke and I are leaving for breakfast now, and then we'll go straight to class. Kaworu has left alone already, ten minutes ago. Which is pretty typical of Mr. Mystery", Touji answered, muttering the last part more to himself than to Shinji, who, he was beginning to suspect, would probably not share his anger towards the pale boy. Him and Kensuke had heard them talking for a good while before they gave up and went to sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, sure. I'll meet you in class, then".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't want us to wait for you at breakfast?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I still have to take a shower, and eat later, I don't want you guys to be late because of me".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We'll wait as much as we can, don't worry about it. You'll probably get lost without our help, anyways". To that, Shinji nodded, and went inside the bathroom closest to him. He heard the door being slam shut, and knew no one was there. He sighed, still not fully awake, and started undressing.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I wonder how Asuka and Rei are doing. Asuka is so picky, I wouldn't be surprised if she had already started a fight. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>As he got naked, he couldn't help but notice the small signs of a person having used the bathroom before him; a yellow toothbrush near the sink, a tiny stain of toothpaste in the tap, a faint smell of perfume mixed with deodorant. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So this is what it'll be like for the next few years. Living with other guys like we're a small dysfunctional family. Huh.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The cold water coming out of the shower helped Shinji let go of that awful sensation of sleepiness. He usually had his baths with music blasting on the last volume, but he wasn't sure that was even allowed at NERV. There probably were rules to the dorms he didn't know about. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I should ask Kaworu-kun about it later</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His mind couldn't help the thought that he was only making excuses to try and have a bit of attention from the boy; which he quickly became ashamed of. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He's got more stuff to do than worry about a new student who's lost. Asuka will do fine; she knows mostly everything there is to know...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji grabbed the towel, a bit more anxious than he'd been before the previous night. Everything felt so real, all of a sudden. School. A new school. He felt so lucky to have the girls with him, otherwise he might just have panicked. He got out of the bathroom trying to do that set of deep breaths his psychologist had taught him. It worked a bit, mostly because he was busying his mind with something else than obnoxious thoughts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His school uniform was ready in one of the drawers, thankfully. A plain set of black trousers, along with a belt, and a white blouse marked with NERV's insignia. He thought he looked more idiotic than ever, but at least he blended in with the crowd of students. With his bag packed with a notebook, a case, and a History book, which he wasn't even sure was one of the classes on that day, he got out of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, loser. I was about to come in and check if you'd died during the night", Asuka said as a good morning. He couldn't help his smile as the girl gave him a slap in the back as a way to get him moving towards breakfast, with Rei by their side, quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, I thought you'd already had breakfast". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course we didn't. We were waiting for you outside. We got to see all your roommates getting out and explaining to us that you were asleep", Rei declared in her tedious tone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fuck. We should rearrange our schedules, then, because I'm not going to wake up earlier than I did today, but I don't want anyone waiting on me". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We should discuss that after we're full, yeah? Look, there’s Hikari-kun! She said she'd save a spot for us!", Asuka spoke, signaling to a girl with her hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they walked closer, Shinji's heart started doing loops. Of course Hikari would be sitting with Kaworu, out of all people.</span>
  <em>
    <span> Calm down, there's no reason for me to avoid him, it's not like he's an alien. Why would I even behave like this? He's the nicest person I met so far. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Hikari, after sighting their group, leaned in to whisper something to Nagisa, both looking very much amused. Kaworu even opened up one of those smiles and nodded to the people approaching the table as if they knew each other forever. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Huh. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shinji?", he heard Rei speak directly in his ears, in a low but funny voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hm, what is it?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Be careful not to leave drool in the carpet. It could cause a serious accident if someone slipped", the girl said, laughing, and his whole face went up with heat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Rei! Shut up! It's not like that!". But </span>
  <em>
    <span>just maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was, because it wasn't a secret to the two girls that he liked boys, and they always knew stuff about him before than himself. He and Asuka had come out as queer in the same day, and it was one of their funniest memory.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>It was a boring afternoon for the trio. They were fourteen and stuck in Asuka's small house, since they didn't have permission to leave on themselves to the movies or whatever it was, and Asuka's mom was in the supermarket for an obnoxiously long time, leaving the kids alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We could watch one of the movies I have here... Let's see... Barbie &amp; The Diamond Castle, Coraline or Mean Girls...", she suggested. Rei and Shinji quickly declined the offer, having watched those a million times before with their friend. They all sighed together, not really thinking of anything to say or do that they hadn't done before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After going through every other option, Asuka came up with the "greatest thing ever, trust and believe". Kissing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, obviously, none of you can kiss each other, but I'm free. Maybe it will be nice! We can, you know, pass time, and train kissing".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rei was quick to agree, and that made Shinji follow her lead, although he had strong ideas about kissing Asuka, none of them good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ok, come closer, idiot", Asuka spoke, and it could only be directed to the boy. Shinji walked towards her, and they both got up from the couch, until they were standing near each other. This close, Shinji thought she looked more scary than ever, but also vulnerable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stop breathing, it's irritating my skin", after she said that, she closed his nose with her own fingers, and sealed their mouths together. It was a disaster. None of them had ever been kissed, so they didn't know what to do with their tongues touching (it made the boy disgusted), nor where their hands should be, or if their heads should, you know, move or not. It was wet and messy, and Shinji couldn't even breathe properly. They let go after less than a minute, Asuka pushing him away with her arms, and running over to the bathroom to wash her mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If I wasn't sure about being a lesbian before, now I am! You hear me, Shinji? Never again!", she screamed her [previous] secret aloud as if it were nothing more than a simple thing, and it made Shinji feel inspired, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, I'm gay, so, you know, I agree! Never again!". Asuka and Rei stopped what they were doing, and gave each other an </span>
  <em>
    <span>"I knew it all along"</span>
  </em>
  <span> look. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Might I say that I'm bi?", Rei was the last one to say, and the trio laughed about the whole situation for days.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Coming back from that pleasant piece of memory, Shinji faced reality again. Hikari got up from her place as their little group approached the table, and spoke to him, "Here, have my place, I'm already leaving". He had no reason to deny it, and tried not to go red in the cheeks as he sat right by Kaworu's side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was hoping I'd catch you in time for breakfast, but you were so deep in your sleep...", Kaworu spoke, looking at his roommate's eyes, ignoring the existence of the other girls, who'd taken a seat on the other side of the table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You could have woken me up, I wouldn't mind it", he answered, feeling Asuka's fierce anger pierce his body, because just five minutes ago he'd said he wouldn't get up earlier because of her and Rei. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll do it tomorrow, then, Shinji-kun".</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Shinji doesn't even have the nerve to pretend he's not craving Nagisa's attention</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Asuka thought. She looked to her side and found Rei looking at her, almost waiting for something. "The food. We should get up and get the food", Ayanami was quick to declare, taking her eyes off her friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they went through breakfast, Rei couldn't help but look with great curiosity to Kaworu. The boy had finished his meal before they got there, but he was clearly waiting for all of them, unlike Hikari, who'd left. And there was also the fact of how blatantly he stared at Shinji. He continued to do that until everyone was done, and they had to hurry up not to be late to classes; their group met up with Kensuke and Touji in their way, and the bell rang as everyone took their seats, remaining close even in the classroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their first class was History, which got an unexplained grin out of Shinji's face, and it kept on until the bell for break rang, two hours later. Everyone got up, on their way to eat something, but, Asuka noticed, three people stayed. Mari, her little rival, Shinji's new affection, Kaworu, and Hikari. She didn't give it much notice, though, and left with her best friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, opinions", Kaworu whispered to Hikari, who now sat atop the table by his right side. He spoke in a low tone because of Mari's presence, even though she was on the other side of the room, focused on a History question. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Let's see. He might be a keeper; he actually listened to you ramble for hours, and he's pretty. Not your level of pretty, but he has nice features, you know, and sounds very sweet", the girl answered, smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why do you look so happy, Hikari-kun?", he questioned, confused, although he agreed with everything she'd said (except for the part of Shinji not being as pretty as him; in that, he disagreed </span>
  <em>
    <span>a lot</span>
  </em>
  <span>).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not worth mentioning, never mind me", she answered, holding back her laughter. Truth was, she was reflecting on how shamelessly she had seen Kaworu stare at Shinji's ass when he was getting out of the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Whatever, weirdo, there's still the big question. Is he into guys?", Kaworu spoke, now truly getting a laugh out of his friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I never knew you for being dumb, or blind, Kaw! And weren't you committed to not taking it seriously because you're roommates?". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Everybody has the right to change their minds once in a while...".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then go ask him out already, he's practically begging for it".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll just tease around for a while and find out whether he plays for the same team as me".</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That's odd; Kaw is not the kind of guy who has doubts. He would always directly ask the guy he was interested in if he was into dudes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know what Hikari is probably thinking right now. That I'm not one to act like this. She's right.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the day went by with nothing happening other than boring classes. Kaworu spent all his time looking at his sketchbook, with a piece of charcoal spinning between his fingers. He couldn't put anything into the paper. It was frustrating, knowing what he wanted to do, and not be able to do it. His model was literally sitting in the row left to his, focused on the teacher, and he couldn't do it. He'd tried a sketch, but it ended up confusing and looking more like Kaworu himself than Shinji, which was very much fucked up, because of how different they looked. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I give up for now. Maybe I didn't get enough sleep. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji, on his side, did his best to pay attention to classes, trying to distract himself from the fact that he and Rei had a phone call with their dad after dinner, to tell him how they were doing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn't really care, but he has to play a role; it was what mom would have made him do, if she were alive. It should have been him, not her...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka, unlike the boys, had a fun time during her first day. She sat far away from Mari, but got a text from the girl during Biology (they'd all exchanged numbers the night before) saying she could answer more questions correctly than Asuka, and off they went, in their little fight, that ended with a tie. The teacher, Ritsuko, became so happy to have "such dedicated and interested students" that she asked them to stay after class to discuss something with them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After everyone was let go from class, she walked towards the teacher, while Shinji and Rei walked together to lunch. When both her and Mari stood right by her, Ritsuko spoke, "Girls, I was impressed to see how you two could answer me every time. I have something that may interest you two; I rarely offer it to first year students, but you two are different. Care to hear?". Both girls nodded, in a silent truce. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There's a team of selected students that represent NERV in competitions with other schools; we're kind of a league of nerds who do tests of general knowledge. We went national more than four times, and we were looking for two new members".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait, really? I'd be honored!", Asuka replied, anxiously, not believing her ears. Of course she'd heard about NERV's elite team. Not in her wildest dreams did she think she'd be in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, really. You and Mari will have to go through extra classes during the afternoon with me for a couple of weeks, and then you'll be oficial members. What do you say?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm in!", they said at the same time, smiling, the smallest bond taking shape between them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After lunch, Shinji discovered he had gym classes, starting at two p.m., which was awful considering it was already ten minutes past that hour. He'd lost track of time because of Asuka, who was busy telling him and Rei about her news. When he found the sports court,  all of his roommates were already there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You missed the start for a few minutes. Where were you, eh, lover boy?", Kensuke asked, teasingly, as if he'd been doing something nasty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was with Asuka-".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh! The hot new chick! You are very lucky, my friend, very lucky indeed".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The teacher had told them to do laps around the room, and he kept up with Kensuke and Touji, who were pissing themselves with laughter as they joked about Asuka being "the man" in the relationship, and what else. It took him good minutes to convince them that they were like brother and sister, childhood friends, all of that stuff. He carefully avoided telling them that he was never going to have Asuka as an option, and that she would say the same of him, and it wasn't just because they considered each other family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aside from that, the rest of the day went by with no further incident, since they were free for the afternoon, and Shinji enjoyed the freedom to wander around NERV with his two friends and try to memorize where everything was in that gigantic school. When Touji showed him the music room, his stomach twisted a bit with anxiety. The first thing he saw was a beautiful piano in the middle of the room, and someone sitting on its bench. He could only see his back, but that hair looked very uncommon to belong to anyone else. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is it...? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hi, Shinji-kun. Didn't expect you to come visit me here", Kaworu said, without even turning around, his long fingers tracing a vague melody in the keyboards. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kaworu-kun! How'd you know it was me?", Shinji questioned, impressed, and a bit flattered that his presence would be so easily noticed by that boy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How would I not?", was the only reply he gave, and then he turned around, facing the trio standing by the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hello for you too, Nagisa, so nice of you to acknowledge all of your roommates", Touji spoke, with irony. Kaworu didn't give it much of a thought, just waved a hi with his hands, and walked towards the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What brings you here?", he asked, looking around the corridor behind the boys, trying to see if there was anyone else with them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just showing Ikari the school grounds, since he's new", Kensuke answered, more friendly than Touji, who looked at Nagisa suspiciously, like he was hiding something very dangerous between his uniform. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Lovely. Let me take the tour from here, since none of you are from the music group", Kaworu declared, taking Shinji's hand and pulling him to his side, gently. Shinji knew he probably had gone red all over; his heart went to his throat and wasn't coming back for a good while. Kaworu's hand was not like he expected it to be; it was slightly rough, probably because he drew and played the piano, but it still felt warm on his own. Touji and Kensuke probably misread his desperate expression, and started insisting that they'd do it, while Nagisa replied that he should do just this part of it. Shinji was only thinking about the fact that they were </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> holding hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just... It's fine. Kaworu-kun can do it", he managed to finally say, and got a friendly squeeze on the hand that was joined with the other boy's as an answer. Touji and Kensuke let it go, and said they would wait outside. After they left, the atmosphere in the room became lighter, and Kaworu smiled at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I've already said that you're cute, haven't I? I was just about to say it again, but don't mind me. Let's do this before they try to rip my head apart just to rescue you from my evil pianist hands". </span>
  <em>
    <span>I never know how to reply to this kind of thing; he gives me those words and then casually talks about other normal stuff. Is he just complimenting me in a friendly way? Maybe that's just his weird way to be...?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right... You talked about this music group. What is that?", Shinji questioned, just to say something. He wasn't going to enter it anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's just as the name says. If you want to play instruments in your free time, and maybe do a presentation for the school at the end of the year, you join it. Of course, we do have official classes once a week, for two hours, but that's it".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And you're a member?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have been since I joined NERV. As you saw, I play the piano", Kaworu declared, and then, out of nothing, grabbed Shinji's hand again, putting it atop of his, "Do you play the cello? Maybe the violin? Your hands tell you away...".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji jerked away, uncomfortable with the question, which was noted by the other boy, of course.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry. About whatever it is I said wrong", he said, bothered, and walked alone to the piano. Shinji followed, unsure of what to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't be sorry. It's all on me. You didn't say anything wrong...".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu didn't reply, not wanting to push his luck and ask what had made instruments be such a delicate topic for him, and started playing the Ninth Symphony. He hadn't perfected it yet, but the initial chords were just as good as they could get. Shinji held back his tears; in his opinion, he'd never had a better performance in his life of his favorite classical song. He sat on the bench, as far away from Kaworu as he could, to not be invasive, and observed closely. It was hard to keep up with the swift hand movements, but he tried to, nonetheless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart was aching. He was playing </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>, out of all the songs. But then, he stopped, halfway into the end. "The last part looks awful. It's one of the hardest songs there is, at least to me, but it's so beautiful that I can't avoid my miserable attempts at perfecting it...". Kaworu turned and faced someone that looked very much like he was missing something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're perfect. I mean, you played it with perfection. I've never seen anything like it... I could never... Not even in my brightest...", Shinji declared, mesmerized by such talent, mesmerized that he hadn't noticed before how that brilliance exhaled from him at all moments, if only he'd looked past his pretty face. And now that he'd done it, he would never look at him the same. To his surprise, Kaworu looked down, embarrassed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do try my best, thank you, Shinji-kun. But it's not fair of you to say that". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Confused, Shinji replied, "What? Not fair?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't have to put yourself down to put me up. You said that you wouldn't be able to play like me, not even in your best... And I don't know if I can buy that. I've never seen you play, but I'm sure you're great. I saw it in your hands!".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji patted his hand through his hair, feeling a mix of feels. No one had ever told him that he should stop putting himself down, because everyone made sure not to mention to him his mistakes; they treated him like he was a walking bomb. And, really, he was pretty good at the cello, before he literally broke it, wasn't he? Maybe, if he hadn't quit...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry, I didn't want you to be upset about me".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stop apologizing to me, Shinji-kun. I'm not judging you".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I... thank you. For the tour. And for the amazing piano. And the advice, too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're leaving already?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The </span>
  <em>
    <span>already</span>
  </em>
  <span> stopped Shinji from getting up at once. He took a deep breath, and looked right into those crimson eyes, "You gave me something to think about. Thank you, really, Kaworu-kun". And then, he left, accompanied by Kensuke and Touji, who were avidly talking about Hikari. Kaworu stayed in the piano for a long time, playing with a little more will than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, dad, I know. Yes. I know. I'll wait, then", Shinji and Rei were sitting on a bench in the open courtyard, speaking to Gendo. Rei knew the call would last five minutes at best, but those few minutes cost her brother more sanity than he had to begin with. Rei had already had her turn; Gendo simply told her to look after Shinji and not let him do anything stupid, "like he loves to do, can't control himself, can he". After a few grumbles and short responses, Shinji hung up, and lay on Rei's lap, like he always did since the beach incident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Calm down. It's already done. We now only have to call him in a month", Rei said while cuddling her brother closer. He felt so fragile when she saw him from this angle... The boy muttered something like uhum and closed his eyes, inhaling the comfort that came from his sister. He'd lost his mom at such a young age, that whenever he thought about the word, Yui and Rei would share the same place in his feelings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stayed together, silent, until Asuka found them. She knew better than to be with them when Gendo called, so she only joined them afterwards. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Curfew says we should go back to our bedrooms now. Come on", Asuka announced. The day had gone by fast enough, and nothing more had happened. Her first afternoon with Ritsuko and stupid Mari would be tomorrow, and she wanted badly to go have some sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Rei, Asuka", Shinji muttered, still sitting on the bench, even though Rei had gotten up. The girls looked at him, and felt surprised when they saw a boy different than the one they'd known. Because he was smiling to himself. Right after talking to Gendo, which usually made him depressed for days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What is it, silly?", Asuka replied, not managing to not call him bad names, but using a much lighter choice to demonstrate her affection for him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He's sending my cello over by the mail. He wanted me to bring it to NERV and I'd said no, but now I've changed my mind", he spoke, still in a low, stunned, voice. Both the girls couldn't help the surprised gasp that escaped through their mouths. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You wanted it back? Wow... That's great...Wow...", Rei declared, trying to find words, trying to make sense of it. Shinji had been a talented cello player since their childhood, when one of his teachers had said he was good and should consider taking it seriously. But he had dropped the instrument after Yui's death. Asuka and Rei never got to know the full thing, and would never ask Shinji about it, but Rei picked up from conversations between Gendo and his son that Yui wanted him to play at her funeral; she'd always loved hearing him. But that, for some reason, made Shinji go crazy with anger, and he broke the instrument, never playing it again, despite Gendo's pleas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a lot to think, Rei decided. The trio made their way back to the rooms in silence, and as a goodbye for the night, Shinji hugged both Asuka and Rei tightly.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this fic gives me serotonin and that's all i have to say</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Gay field of flowers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>T<span>he next day had arrived, and Asuka felt her stomach twist in anxiety with the thought of her first afternoon with Ritsuko and Mari. She tried her best to avoid exchanging looks with the other girl, but, since they shared the same room, it proved to be a rather difficult task. At least, as she could perceive, Mari looked pale and trembling, so she would perhaps be more docile when their class came. </span></p><p>
  <span>"Are we going to get breakfast or not?", Rei asked her with a worried face, since Asuka had been standing by the door for a few good minutes already, looking like she'd seen a ghost. Feeling somewhat stupid, Asuka nodded in response, adjusting her bag in her arm and opening the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait for me!", Hikari screamed from the bathroom. The girls had developed, in a short time, a sense of friendship. Mari, however, never went anywhere with them; in fact, Rei had never seen her eating or doing anything other than studying by herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trio of girls left the room, with Asuka being the quiet element for the first time, which was almost as uncomfortable as hearing her scream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So... Does Mari not do anything other than study?", Rei asked Hikari, wanting to break that awful silence, and, also, trusting she'd tell her something about the quiet girl. Hikari turned to face Rei, a finger on her lips, a gesture for when she was pondering whether something was alright to tell or not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think she sleeps, but I'm not sure [chuckles]", was the only answer she gave, shrugging. Ayanami tried to talk about her, to no avail, since Hikari constantly changed the subject to any possible thing just so Mari wouldn't be the topic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they made their way to the hall, Hikari received a text from Kaworu, saying he'd wait for Shinji to wake up so they could go to breakfast together, and she shouldn't wait for him if she didn't feel like it. She couldn't help her laugh as she saw the selfie that accompanied the message; Kaw, doing a sad puppy expression while laying in bed, and a blur by the very left side of the camera; she supposed it was that Shinji boy, asleep. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He keeps surprising me...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu could say he was fairly impressed on how much of a deep sleeper Shinji actually was. Everyone had woken up, gotten ready, making a bunch of noise in the process, and the boy was still sound asleep in his bed. In the day before, during breakfast, Shinji had told him he could wake him up, and he was still mustering the courage to do so. It felt a bit private to interrupt his resting, and, if Kaworu was being honest with himself, he didn't really know how to do it. Whisper in his ear? Shake him? Wait for his alarm to go off and just stand there, waiting, like an idiot? It sounded like the safest option. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'd feel like a stalker if I just stood by his side watching him sleep, really. Ugh...Get your shit together. It's not a big deal. Touji woke him yesterday, so I can pull it off too. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Weirdly enough, he felt the need to have a look at himself in the mirror before actually approaching Shinji, just to check if he looked fine. Placing a hand in the boy's shoulder, he shook him with as much delicacy as possible, "Time to wake up, Shinji-kun". He had to repeat it at least five times, louder every time, because, apparently, being sweet wouldn't help. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing Shinji saw when waking up were crimson eyes staring at him, and he quickly recognized Kaworu's kind face. His body, apparently, only had one function if the boy was near him; blush. Cursing himself on the inside, he got up, still sleepy, as usual, cheeks burning, and muttered 'good morning' to his roommate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What were you dreaming about?", Kaworu casually asked, a hint of a smile in his lips. That smile made him feel guilty at once, like he'd been caught having a wet dream, but, really, it was nothing of the sort. He scratched his head, the remains of a sweet dream about him playing the cello still there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"About playing the cello again", he answered, a shy smile. In reality, Kaworu had also been in his dream, playing the piano by his side, but he wouldn't mention </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The bright smile he got as an answer from his roommate made him want to hide under the blankets. It wasn't fair that someone would look as good as Kaworu did, and still have a smile like his. It was seven a.m., shit, he still wasn't mentally ready. Didn't he have any flaws? Maybe a zit? No. His face looked absolutely perfect, like it did yesterday and probably would look in the next day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You should tell me more about it later, Shinji-kun. I'll wait here as you shower", Kaworu declared, and Shinji grabbed the opportunity to almost run to the bathroom, making sure the door was locked; it would be typical of his luck (or absence of it, really) to forget it unlocked and it opened by itself later... But maybe he was overthinking. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, I am</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The shower wasn't nearly as tranquilizing as it had been in the day before; he was already fully awake after a few minutes near his intriguing roommate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kept thinking of Kaworu as simply his roommate, because, well, could he consider them friends? He definitely could think of Touji and Kensuke as friends. But not </span>
  <em>
    <span>him. Which is probably stupid on my part, since I've known him for two days and the only thing he's ever done to indicate otherwise than a friendship was call me cute. Yeah. Talk about high hopes...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When he was done and already dressed, he stepped out of the bathroom and caught only a glimpse of a notebook between Kaworu's long fingers, before the boy hid it away. Shinji made sure not to mention that he'd seen it, and Kaworu made sure not to mention that he knew he'd been seen. His failed attempts had made him more compromised than ever to draw his new affection, still to no seeming avail, and getting caught at it made him feel like a weirdo. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Well, I do carry that name, don't I, Touji?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They made it to breakfast when almost everyone had left already, including Asuka, Rei and Hikari. "Looks like you're stuck with me, Shinji-kun", Kaworu pronounced before walking towards a random empty table, being followed by Shinji, who muttered to himself that it didn't feel like a bad thing at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Between bites of food, Shinji told Kaworu about his troubled relation with the cello. At first, the subject just felt natural to talk about, because of their little episode by the piano and his dream, but, as he kept going, with Kaworu's patient nods signaling that he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>listening</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>understanding</span>
  </em>
  <span> his point, he ended up talking more than he'd planned. He couldn't help but think how ironical it was, that, out of all people, he'd decided to tell this story to the one that didn't only make him blush and act stupid, but also made him feel inspired to truly speak. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And, well, I threw a tantrum. I hate my dad, you probably noticed. I hated him even more after mom died, and when he told me it was her wish that I played the cello... It went over my head. I was wrong, I can recognize now. Breaking the instrument and shit. Being selfish. It's been years since I played...", he concluded, finishing the sentence with a dry swallow. It was easier to speak than to stop and wait for an answer. He wasn't even sure that he wanted one; it for sure wouldn't be nice to hear from Kaworu's mouth that, yeah, he was a selfish crybaby. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe I should have just said I got tired of the cello for a while and decided to pick it up again because of my dad's pleas. Which wouldn't be the truth, but has hints of it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think it was selfish. How old were you, again?". The answer swooped Shinji off his feet; Kaworu looked unimpressed and happy as usual, like it was a simple matter. Like they were discussing their favorite food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well... twelve...".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can't even remember what I thought about when I was twelve. Maybe Adventure Time. It's an age where you're just starting to become a teenager, so it gets pretty messed up. And your mom died, so I wouldn't exactly call a kid selfish just because the only thing his dad bothered to talk about after a trauma was a freaking cello concert at a funeral... Want some of my yogurt? I'm full", Kaworu handed off the small pot he was holding between his hands to an astonished Shinji. Some of the pink yogurt stook to his fingers and he licked it off, unbothered. Shinji remained wide mouthed, looking at him like he'd just fallen from the sky, and accepted the yogurt without a word, even though he was lactose intolerant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It tasted artificial and too sweet for him, but he ate all of it, content for not having to say anything in answer, not only because his mouth was occupied, but because, as far as he could perceive, Kaworu didn't look like someone who expected anything from him that he didn't want to give, which was reassuring. Shinji was still absorbing what he'd just been told. He'd never thought about this part of his past with what Kaworu said in mind; he'd never given himself a rest, as it now became more clear. He would've been lost in thoughts for a while if the bell that warned when there were five minutes left until class didn't ring, and they headed together to the classroom, arriving when everyone was already in place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The teacher, a middle-aged man with messy hair done in a ponytail, who smelled faintly like cigarettes, introduced himself as Kaji. He would teach them Sociology, once per week, "sadly, I must add, because we have so much to talk, and, yet, so little time...I'd love to use the time you guys have for Math class for my own classes...". Kaworu liked him at once, because if there was something he was truly hateful towards, well, it was Math, even if he was good at it. He was also good at singing the whole lyrics of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fergalicious</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but it didn't mean he had much use to it, which was a pity, if he was being honest. He truly looked great on the rap part. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji looked around the tables, which were arranged in pairs. Asuka was sitting right in the front row with Rei, both of them staring at him and doing a 'sit down' gesture to the pair of chairs by their side. The only available option for him as a duo, was, of course, the boy he arrived with, so he pulled at his sleeve and silently indicated their direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu looked around the room and met Hikari's devious eyes aimed at him. She was sitting with Mari, which must have looked unusual to the rest of the class, since the girls rarely did things together. Hikari mouthed him a 'thank me later' without a sound and then looked back towards her text book, to avoid Kaji's attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We'll work in pairs, isn't that exciting? I hope you're happy with your partners, because you'll be stuck with them for the rest of the year", Kaworu noticed Shinji's face turning from surprised into flustered in the second they heard the information, "Unless something really bad happens between you, then you'll contact me and we'll figure something out", Kaji finished saying, leading the classroom to fill with not-so-whispered-whispers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu even heard a particular piece of chat coming from the two girls sitting behind them. He never made an effort to learn any of his classmate's names [unless he really had to, like Kensuke and Touji], so he just nicknamed them in his mind when he gave them a thought or two. The girl directly behind him was named Mina and the one behind Shinji was, maybe, something different and foreign, like Sheila, based on her smug voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu could confirm his suspicion that Sheila was an arrogant nosy girl when she said to Mina, "Poor Nagisa-kun. He was probably late by accident and dumb Hikari paired up with Mari instead of waiting for him. Now he's stuck with the new kid, and I can't see that being fair! Can you imagine how it feels for someone like him to be paired with a stranger the whole year?". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could also tell that Mina wasn't much better when she replied, "I would, like, do anything to be in this boy's place, because, like, he shouldn't get the privilege. And at least Nagisa-kun would have someone pretty to stare at... And maybe we'd even become close... Can you even imagine that? Such a dream!". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu was pretty sure that Shinji could hear the girls too, but tried not to make it apparent; his gestures gave him away, though. For a good observer like Kaworu was, it felt as natural as breathing to notice small changes in behaviour. Now, Shinji's fingers were rapidly tapping the hard surface of the table, as he avoided speaking or even facing anything other than his own moving hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu, in fact, could read people so well, that he knew the real key to understanding what Shinji felt could be perceived in the direction of his eyes. His moving hands were just an excuse if anyone wondered why he was looking down. He was trying to cover up shame by not acknowledging his surroundings. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Good trick, but you'll have to do better if you want to keep me out. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji's fingers were stopped mid movement, warm hands atop of them. He looked up, embarrassed for his anxiety being noticed and not ignored like it usually happened [which was better than being confronted about it, sometimes]. Before he could mutter an apology, Kaworu spoke in a tone loud enough for their colleagues to hear, "I should go thank teacher Kaji later, Shinji-kun; even if it's just once per week, I'll be more than happy to share my time in class with you. Lucky me!".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The effect that sentence produced in the students was unmistakable and immediate. Silence came from the people who were near them, and then, curious silence followed from those who were too distant to understand what had been said but could clearly watch the scene from afar. Shinji himself stood there, reactionless for a couple of slow seconds before he heard Asuka give an anything-other-than-natural cough and realize he should do something in response. Swallowing his heart back to its natural place between his rib cages, he managed to say, "You're being too kind, Kaworu-kun, thank you", surprising himself with the fact that he didn't drool while saying it or tripped on his words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu felt really pleased with how it'd played out. Little things were more satisfying than throwing away people's expectations towards him on the ground, and being able to make Shinji lose a few IQ points in the process. It was so obvious that the students were in fever that not even Kaji could play blind. Instead, he cussed them into paying attention to the blackboard, explaining there would be work due to next week; that got the class to calm down a little bit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could tell Shinji was still nervous without even looking at the boy. Their hands were joined together, and, although he stopped moving his fingers around the second Kaworu's hands lay atop of his, they felt too hot and a bit sweaty, not that Kaworu minded. Carefully enough so he wouldn't scare him away, he pulled his left hand away and searched for his notebook in the bag. Without ever taking his right hand from where it had been for a good few minutes, he started to write down what Kaji was putting on the board.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji followed his example, and swiftly pulled his writing hand [the right one] from beneath Kaworu's and grabbed his notebook. He didn't think about what the joined hands meant, or allowed himself to think about the hole he now had in his back due to so many fierce looks coming from his partner's [not so] little fanclub, or the implications of the whole thing. He would have a situation if any of those things came up. So he just tried to listen to Sociology and ignore how his lower stomach had jitters all over or how his skin would not cool down. Or how nice it felt. Because it felt so nice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had a clear memory of his therapist telling him to picture a field of flowers or some hippie bullshit when he felt a situation became too much to handle, and thought about having a good laugh. His mind only had one thought, and it sure didn't include a field of flowers in it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>A pretty boy is holding my hand in front of everyone. He's doing it where everyone can see. He doesn't think this has to be hidden, whatever it means. A pretty boy. The prettiest boy. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji couldn't help his low giggle when he pictured himself talking to the therapist and dead ass saying, "I've found my field of flowers and it's really gay, doc, I'm not sure you could handle it". Apparently, he did it a little bit too loud, and Kaworu turned to face him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's so funny, Shinji-kun?". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At once, he stopped laughing, embarrassed, as if his thoughts could have been read, "Well... Nothing much...Sorry".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ugh, I shouldn't have asked! Now you stopped laughing, and I didn't appreciate you doing it for long enough", Kaworu said, a sad expression in his angelical face. Shinji's face was almost numb after so many compliments coming from Nagisa in a [too] short span of time; which color came after red? Because that's how he supposed he looked like. Short of options, he let himself give out an honest smile he was holding back for a good while. He didn't like to smile a lot because he thought it made him look even worse, but hadn't Kaworu just said he appreciated it?</span>
  <em>
    <span> Asuka would call me a bitch for this.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After class ended and the bell rang, it was time to part ways. Or so he thought. Instead of letting go at once, Kaworu just remained sitting in his chair as each of their fellow students left, all of them trying to get a good look of whatever that meant. He only let go after Hikari arrived at their place and invited both of them to accompany her to the school's cafeteria; and after they got up, he intertwined their arms and pushed Shinji along, leaving him no time to say otherwise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka could not believe how fast the day had gone by. Maybe not for Shinji, who looked like a happy puppy around its master. He definitely looked like his day had been a blast. He'd followed Nagisa around all day long, and from where she stood, they seemed pretty entertained in conversation, sitting on the benches in the patio. Hikari was close, but she looked far from being the focus; poor girl, stuck with friends who would soon become a couple. At least that was what she hoped for. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their last class had been with the headmistress who also happened to be their Math teacher, Misato Katsuragi. Asuka would have died of boredom if Misato wasn't so damn pretty. Looking wasn't going to kill her, anyways, so it was pretty bearable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lunch with Rei, on the other hand, turned out to be pretty awkward without their traditional third element, Shinji, who, to literally no surprise, had gone out with Kaworu and Hikari. Something about their dynamic was weird, mainly because Rei kept looking at the horizon, mute, and Asuka hated being quiet for more than two seconds. She almost thanked God when her cellphone's alarm rang to signalize ten minutes until classes with Ritsuko. And Mari. Huh. Asuka didn't even bother saying goodbye to Rei; she was too far to reach, anyway, so she just grabbed her bag and left.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsuko had told the girls that their class would be in Room 19, not so far away from their own classroom, which saved Asuka a walk around this gigantic building. She met with Mari in the hallway, and they walked a little bit closer to each other, silent, until they entered the room where their teacher was already in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Welcome, girls. Thank you for being right on time". Ritsuko pointed to the two chairs in the middle of the room; Asuka and Mari sat down. "Today you're going to fill out this form with your personal informations - Being close enough to notice, Asuka felt Mari flinch after Ritsuko said the last two words. - and then we'll do a little test of general knowledge, alright?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their afternoon turned out to be the most pleasing experience Asuka had since joining NERV. Aside from Mari being weirdly protective of her form with personal informations, she behaved pretty fine, and the girls soon found out they made a great pair. The test was performed as a team, because, as their teacher justified, they would work together, not alone. Asuka could let her pride aside for a little while to say that, well, Mari was pretty fucking smart. And funny. After their designed time was done, they actually stayed in class with Ritsuko for half an hour, just talking about their lives and gossiping about their classmates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka found out that, just like herself, Mari never met her dad, having been raised by a single mom in a hard environment. Her first impression of Mari being a good adversary didn't change, but she definitely learned to like her as a person and, maybe, a friend. Not that anyone would get that information out of her!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they both got back to their room, since it was almost six p.m., Rei knew at once that Asuka's feelings towards Mari had changed, and also knew she didn't want anyone finding out she didn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> have an iceberg for a heart. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You're going to have to try harder, Langley...</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>it gets me so anxious to see everyone's relationship growing, ugh!! idk how long this will be, but i like how kawoshin is low but steadily building up trust. i love them. like i love them SO MUCH. it's not even funny... anyways, comments make me happy :) i always wanna hear what my readers think &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Fly me to the moon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Shinji Ikari could barely believe how good his first week had been. If someone had asked him a week ago how he thought it would have turned out, well, he could have thought of a few disasters, but never would have gotten anything right. He would never have imagined someone like Kaworu in his small circle of friends, either. </p><p>"It's officially Friday! We should go to the town", Touji spoke as the boys were left off of gym class. They had the bad luck to have the class two times in the same week because their teacher had warned with sufficient time that he wouldn't be able to come in the following week. Gross. The only one who didn't look worn out or even sweaty, was, <em> of course</em>, Kaworu. <em> Maybe even his freaking body functions perfectly and has no human feelings like getting tired</em>, thought Touji, irritated. </p><p>"Go to the town? I thought we weren't allowed out of NERV", whispered Shinji between shallow intakes of breath. He looked exhausted, bent over, holding himself on his thighs. <em> Well, he sure doesn't have an athlete's physique, being all skinny like that.  </em></p><p>Kaworu walked over to his side and pulled him by the arm, with a kind smile, "Here, put your arm around my neck, I'll help you walk. Poor thing, practice really took its toll in you, huh?". Touji had the impression that Shinji might really pass out in the middle of the hallway, with all their male classmates around; he went from red to purple in a second, knees failing for a quick second before holding himself up and taking Kaworu's offer. <em> Well, he really goes beyond my comprehension.  </em></p><p>"Anyways, Ikari-kun, we are allowed to leave the building on the weekends and on Fridays. We still have curfew, obviously, so we have to be back at ten p.m., at best", Kensuke answered, ignoring the whole situation that happened behind his back as they walked over to the dorm. </p><p>Him and Touji slowly developed that behavior throughout the week; Shinji would always act like a whole other person when Nagisa was around, and vice versa. No point in making efforts to understand those two; although Kensuke did care a lot more about Ikari than he let on. Unlike Touji, who still didn't stand Nagisa, Kensuke learned to be comfortable with his sort of alien personality and appreciate how he made Shinji feel included in classes or in his tight circle of friends (made up solely by Hikari). </p><p>"Well, where are we going, then?", Shinji asked, a little less out of breath thanks to the help. </p><p>"There's a nice karaoke downtown. The food they serve is really good, I've been there with Hikari-chan loads of time", Kaworu declared. Hikari was the magic word for Touji, because he immediately looked at the grey-haired boy with a less hateful look than usual. </p><p>"Oh... And do you think she would like to join us? I mean, if she would come with you, because you're... best friends. Yeah", Touji spurted out, a silly expression in his face. He only would have been more obvious if he wrote <em> I &lt;3 Hikari </em> in his forehead. </p><p>"Sure, she'd come. Can she invite her roommates too, if that's alright?", Kaworu answered, thinking about Shinji. He thought that his two friends being around would make him more loose around the boys, and, also, Hikari's focus would be less upon himself and he would have more interactions with Shinji...</p><p>Touji and Kensuke agreed, of course, specially because Kensuke had a thing for Asuka (poor boy, he'd be devoured before even touching a string of her hair). They were almost at the dorm, when Shinji realized he had to stop somewhere. </p><p>"You guys continue, I need to fetch something in the Secretary", he declared, pulling his arm loose from Kaworu's neck (with great sadness). The guys nodded and kept walking, except for the one in which he previously was holding on. </p><p>"Can I keep you company?", he asked, looking... shy? Blushed? Shaking his head to clear what must have been a confused impression, Shinji nodded an yes. Maybe he was just red on the cheeks due to gym. No use thinking of deep meanings. Even his imagination had a limit.</p><p>It was a short traject, occupied by Kaworu telling Shinji some absolutely random facts about himself. "I have a birthmark in my shoulder that's shaped like a heart. My mom says that if you look upside down, it looks like a butt". Shinji couldn't help laughing at how serious the boy looked as he told the fact.</p><p>"Well, a nurse pierced my left ear when I was a newborn because she mistook me for a girl. It's still here, because my mom never had the courage to tell my dad about it...", Shinji confessed, unconsciously touching his left ear, where the hole was. As children, he and Rei would secretly steal Yui's earrings from her jewelry and try them on. He supposed that was why the hole never healed and remained there, like a birthmark. <em> What even happened to those earrings? I can't remember. Maybe Rei has them? </em></p><p>"You're joking! Why have I never seen you with an earring, then?", Kaworu answered, coming close to him and touching his left ear with curiosity. Sometimes he had no notion of personal space. Not that Shinji felt like complaining. </p><p>"My dad would kill me. He would probably say it's gay", Shinji spoke, his voice lowering in the final word. He hated how Gendo made <em> that </em> look like a bad thing. He was denying his own son. </p><p>Kaworu moved his hand away from Shinji's ear, and looked down, embarrassed. So it was like that. At least Shinji didn't look like he agreed with his dad on the whole homophobic thing. </p><p>"Silly me, thinking that a dude who likes other dudes is gay. I should probably warn everyone who has their ears pierced that they're in risk of falling for their bros...", Kaworu declared in a sarcastic voice that got Shinji laughing again. "Jokes aside, I think you would look prettier than usual if you gave a use to this", he again touched Shinji's ear with the tip of his pale finger. </p><p>
  <em> I really am such a joke! He just said his dad's a homophobe and five seconds later I'm hitting on him.  </em>
</p><p>"Kaworu-kun, how can you tell jokes with such a straight face?", Shinji answered, nervously combing his hair back with his sweaty hands. <em> I can't picture a scenario in which I'd be able to say the same of him without the risk of passing out! Even if it's a joke! </em></p><p>"I'm not joking, Shinji-kun. I think you're pretty and I think you would look even prettier with an earring. Oh, here we are", Kaworu declared in an honest, calm voice, pointing to the sign that read Secretary. Shinji thought that his brain would have little to no use if he focused on what had been said, so he just tried to empty his thoughts and walk over to a desk where one of the secretaries stood behind, working. </p><p>Blushed from head to toe and surely looking like a walking [stupid] tomato, he said, "Well, hi, ah, good afternoon". Behind him, Kaworu gave a little smile, thinking about how cute he looked when nervous. The woman behind the desk looked up, bored, and asked what he needed. "My name is Shinji. Shinji Ikari. I came to receive a package my father sent me". </p><p>The woman grabbed a sheet of paper, made Shinji sign it, and went off to search for his package. After he properly received it, the boys made it to the dorm. "It's my cello. My dad sent me over...", Shinji said, filling the comfortable silence that circled both. </p><p>"Oh! I thought you said you never wanted to play it again, after your mom passed away", Kaworu answered, surprised in a positive way. He would, maybe, after all, have the chance to see if he had been correct or not about the boy's hand. </p><p>"I did. But you changed my mind. Heck, I think I might even join the music group", he declared with a sweet laugh. He rarely felt satisfied with his own actions, but the weight of the cello in his hands was just as reassuring as holding Kaworu's hands, and that could only be a good sign. It would be a restart. He had a vague memory of "The fate of destruction is also the joy of rebirth", but he had no clue where it came from. Well, it was a little bit dramatic, but it suited the situation nicely. </p><p>"I hope it makes you happy, Shinji-kun. You deserve it. And, well, the music group is in need of a cello...", he lied. Lied because the music group already had a girl playing the cello. But it's not like it would kill her to have a substitute. She wasn't very good, anyway, not to his standards. Maybe it would be like it happened with Kaworu himself; originally entering to be some dude's substitute in the piano and end up taking his place because of how much better he was. <em> I'm making a lot of excuses in my head, I'll admit to that. Maybe I just want to spend a little more time with him. See him do something he likes.  </em></p><p>"Really? How do I join?", Shinji replied, unaware of any lies coming from his roommate. Unaware of how interested he constantly made him feel. </p><p>"I'll take you there next Wednesday. You just fill out a form and give a little display of your ability with the instrument. Piece of cake", Kaworu answered, thinking that, technically, the period of admission of new members had already gone by. It had ended yesterday, in fact. He would have to pull some strings; good thing that he was absolutely adored by the teacher. </p><p> </p><p>They were in front of their room, Kaworu's hand on the doorknob, about to open it, when he noticed that Shinji wasn't following. He was still, grabbing the package close to his heart, looking a bit frightened. </p><p>"What's wrong, Shinji-kun?".</p><p>"I'm not sure I'm still good. It's been years. Shit. I need some training", he answered, concerned. </p><p>"Don't worry. We can practice together until Wednesday. Now, we should only worry about that work we have to make for Sociology class and going out later". </p><p>"Practice together sounds nice...", Shinji declared, avoiding Kaworu's eyes, and entering the room. </p><p>Kaworu texted Hikari as soon as he got in, inviting her and the girls to dinner with them. </p><p>[Hikari-chan &lt;3]: hmmmmmm</p><p>[me]: what? you already have plans?</p><p>[Hikari-chan &lt;3]: why am i being invited? shouldn't it be just you and ikari?</p><p>[me]: its not a date...kensuke and touji had the idea, not me </p><p>[Hikari-chan &lt;3]: i can sense your disappointment via message</p><p>[me]: yeah haha</p><p>[Hikari-chan &lt;3]: why didnt you just ask him out before</p><p>[me]: i dont know </p><p>[Hikari-chan &lt;3]: that sounds serious</p><p>[me]: maybe</p><p>[Hikari-chan &lt;3]: hm. i'll be there </p><p>[me]: nice :) thanks</p><p>He turned off his phone so he could focus on the present task. Some stupid essay about Weber. Shinji looked as tired as he was, not really in the mood for school work, but, sadly, they didn't have the luxury to ignore Kaji's assignment. They worked on it for more than an hour, not really talking about anything other than what they were supposed to. From time to time, Kaworu felt quick looks all over his neck when he turned over to grab something. It made his skin prickle. It didn't feel like being looked at by the rest of the people at NERV. </p><p>Touji and Kensuke were also busy doing the same work, and they talked through it, exchanging information, and finally finished it. It was five p.m., and they'd planned to leave in an hour and a half, so they took turns in the shower. </p><p>Kaworu was the last one to get ready, almost making them late, because he was blow drying his hair. "I can not believe you're wasting our time with this, Nagisa. It's windy outside", Touji screamed over the noise the blow dryer produced. </p><p>Screaming back, Kaworu answered, "That's why! My hair will look like a cloud if I don't dry it now! Sorry!". Shinji was amused. It was funny to watch Touji get pissed off and not being able to do anything. Looking briefly, ashamed of staring a lot, he noticed that Kaworu was only using his underwear.<em> I hope he doesn't take too long picking his clothes, or Touji will drop dead in the middle of our room </em>.</p><p>In the end, he didn't take long. He left the bathroom looking drop dead gorgeous, his hair looking extra nice. Shinji could almost hear the angelical music track following him and a series of "oh!" coming from the heavens above. Kaworu opened the wardrobe and picked a black shirt, with red plaid pants and combat boots [without heels] and quickly put them on. It was basic, but in him it looked like a statement. Shinji was almost embarrassed of his plain jeans and Nirvana t-shirt. </p><p>"Alright, let's go", Kaworu declared with an apologetic smile and they left, heading off to where the girls were waiting. </p><p>Rei could see the boys coming. Finally. It was already getting dark, and they didn't have that much time before ten p.m.; and, well, she could really use some time outside NERV. This school was getting her anxious. She no longer had her alone time. There would always be Asuka, Hikari, or Mari. She no longer felt like she was doing right at being Shinji's guardian. He barely spent time with her. At least... well, it meant that he had company. Nonetheless, she felt afloat in the sea, without any vision of the shore. Like she didn't really have any clear purpose. <em> Going to the karaoke won't solve my life, but at least I'll sing.  </em></p><p>When the two groups got together, they left the school, signing their names in a form (the school had a strict control of who left, so no one would be outside past curfew), and headed off towards the karaoke. It only took them a bus, filled with other students, to get there. </p><p>The place looked really nice; it was filled with neon lights and there was a stage in front of the tables, with two mics and a computer by the side. Hikari explained to them that there was a waiting line to sing, and they should already put their names in, because the place filled out really quickly. Good thing they listened to her, because, five minutes after they'd chosen a table for eight, a horde of people arrived, making the restaurant full. </p><p>The waiter got their orders; Rei noticed that Mari <em> did </em> eat, since she ordered pasta, which was a relief. Their conversation was so awkward that it became funny; Touji was trying his best to look cool to Hikari, who, in return, was blushing like crazy and blaming it on the weather. Kensuke engaged in a chat about science with Mari and Asuka, who looked ready to put him out of his misery at any moment. Rei did her best to avoid speaking; she was having a good time watching Shinji and Kaworu talk. Shinji looked like Hikari, but he had the decency not to blame the weather; in fact, he didn't even acknowledge his blush. Just tried to maintain his place as Kaworu shamelessly flirted with him. Did he not notice? Was he simply in denial? Wow! This was better entertainment than TV, for sure. </p><p>Before the food arrived, the waiter called "Asuka Langley" to the stage. The redhead got up, confident in her tight white dress and platform heels. She looked hot. There was no denying. "Come on, Shinji, you loser, get up", she said, grabbing him by the arm on her way to the stage. Rei couldn't help but notice how everyone looked at her, weirded out by how she called her friend. Well, they didn't know yet that this was her being affectionate. </p><p>"Why is Shinji-kun going with her?", Nagisa asked, arms crossed in front of his chest. He looked like a kid who just got told there wouldn't be Christmas. </p><p>"It's a friendship tradition. They always sing this specific song together, and I do mine alone", Rei answered, speaking outside of her mind for the first time in the evening. Everyone turned at her, trying to cover up their surprise. Well, she didn't exactly speak, and she would never really stand out like Asuka in her dress, not dressed in a black skirt and a black shirt, so their reaction was understandable. </p><p>All eyes turned to the stage when Asuka and Shinji got up there. Rei was sure that some of her colleague's were surprised by the fact that Shinji looked so damn comfortable and not anxious, considering the fact he was about to sing to the whole restaurant. But it was Asuka who made him feel like that. They were also best friends. She might look rough, but she'd been through thick and thin with him, too. She would never bring him up there if she wasn't confident in him being able to pull it through.</p><p>The big screen behind the two lit up and the lyrics to "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift showed up. Just the name of the song already got a good laugh from the public, their friends included. Asuka started off the first verses, but, as the music went on, they naturally switched roles, like they'd done it a million times before. Which they had. Their sync was perfect, and so was their acting. Shinji had the mic, and sang, "She wears high heels, I wear sneakers [Asuka would lift her high heels, he would look down at his sneakers]/She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers [Asuka would do a little cheering movement while walking past depressed Shinji]".</p><p>Kaworu could not keep his eyes off Shinji. This part of him was so amazing. He would never have guessed, in a million years, that he would do this in front of a crowded audience, and with such grace. Being so loose about it, having fun with a friend and laughing while singing. He had a terrible voice, just like Asuka, but they made it sound so nice, that he wanted to go and join them. </p><p>Mari was thinking that she was lucky for liking girls. When Asuka wasn't busy being such a crazy bitch, she had her charm. </p><p>The next up was Rei. After Asuka and Shinji got back, hugging each other and laughing the shit out of themselves, they gave Rei a nod and sat back in their places. Shinji had barely sat down again in his place between Kaworu and Mari when he felt a hand touch his thigh. <em> Shit?!?!?!?! </em>  He looked down, in panic, already knowing who it was, and saw a pale hand. </p><p>"You were perfect up there! I didn't know you for a talented singer (chuckles)!", Kaworu whispered in his ear. The restaurant was so full of loud people that whispering was the only way of communicating. His brain didn't really think of it like that, though, he could tell, as his heartbeat went so fast he could die right there. </p><p>"You're the one who's perfect! I just acted like a clown up there!", Shinji whispered back, not exactly knowing why he'd chosen this time to finally speak his mind. Kaworu turned to face him, coming too close, but got interrupted as Rei finally started singing. Shit. He'd almost forgotten about the true show that was about to come. The audience was quiet. Rei produced this effect on people. She sometimes made Shinji feel so peaceful he could sleep. </p><p>"Fly Me To The Moon" appeared behind her. Kaworu liked the title at once. It sounded like something he would listen to while being high. And he might as well have gotten high just with the girl's voice. It was a slow song, nothing like the previous one. It didn't make anyone laugh. But it might make someone cry. Kaworu was damn happy he was surrounded by people while listening to her; if he'd been alone, he might just get lost. For some reason, he kept imagining stuff that sounded like memories, but could never belong to him, a teenage student; a giant robot, like the ones from anime, sleeping in someone's bed, listening to a drowsy melody in a walkman, tears, hands touching, strong lights, and a feeling of love like no other. He didn't even notice when tears started sliding down his cheeks; he only could see Rei, spinning in her own loneliness, with her beautiful voice, her simple words. <em> She would be the prettiest of Lilim, if Shinji didn't exist. Lilim? </em> </p><p>Before he could give it a bigger thought, the song ended, with that powerful last verse, "<em> In other words, I love you </em> ". That sentence was so specific. <em> It means I love you. You are worthy... </em> Worthy of what? The applause coming from the people around him was louder than his confused mind, and he clapped along, truly touched by Rei. What an odd feeling she had brought upon everyone, himself included.</p><p>"Oh, you cried too... Good thing I'm not alone", Mari whispered to Kaworu, while taking off her glasses to wipe away the tears. Confused, he put a hand to his cheeks, finding them wet. Wow. </p><p>"Don't worry, Kaworu-kun, I cried too, first time I heard her sing. It's perfectly normal", Shinji whispered, looking at his face, and wiping the tears away with the back of his hand. It was Kaworu's time to blush. He muttered a thanks, nervous. As soon as Rei sat back in her chair, the room became normal again, people chatting and laughing. Their food had arrived. Everything should have been fine. Kaworu <em> didn't </em> feel fine. He felt he was constantly on the blink of remembering something really important and forgetting it at once. Like he couldn't remember if he'd locked the door on his way out or not. It didn't really matter, though, because being here was enough. He felt that whatever he had thought about as Rei sang... Maybe it should stay in his subconscious. He had the right now. He had Shinji.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this was SO MUCH fun to write!! the karaoke part was based off a fanart i saw. it was rei and the gang, and she was singing like a pro and everyone was just like... what. how. the. fuck. is. she. so. good. lol<br/>this is getting longer and longer, but, hm, i really like the pace. i didnt want kaworu and shinji to become boyfriends after like two seconds like in the anime (hahahah i love them tho) so i'm making it slow. i do get kinda insecure, thinking people will think it's toooooo slow. i could do well with some [nice] criticism :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Song without words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<span>They all sound fine to me, except for this last one. I can't remember ever practicing it. Should we try it anyways?", Shinji spoke, his fingers tracing slightly nervous circles in the piece of paper Kaworu had handed him a minute ago. Kaworu had fidgeted around all day long, cracking his mind, and only now, after they'd gotten lunch with Hikari and Rei, he'd finally finished the damn list. It had been trickier than he'd originally thought to find, in one day, a set of good songs that could be played as a duet between a piano and a cello. He'd narrowed the list down to five, so they could really focus. </span></p><p>
  <span>Walking slowly so he could read the last title he'd written in his small, neat letter, he saw "F. Mendelssohn - Song without words". Breathing out slowly, he managed to hand an apologetic smile, "Yes, we absolutely should. But, huh, thing is, we'll learn this one together, because I've never played it either...". </span>
  <em>
    <span>In reality, that title just appealed to me so much. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"That actually makes me feel better; at least we'll be on the same page, Kaworu-kun", Shinji answered, and they both stopped their walk. They were now in front of the room in which Shinji had first seen Kaworu play the piano. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Something I never want to forget</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The pale boy took out a key from his trouser's pockets and unlocked the door. He had unlimited access to the music classroom due to his favorable position with the teacher. Kaworu hadn't even warned her yet that he was going to take extra practice; if he did, he probably would have to show results to the group, and he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> doing this so he could make a little show to his colleagues. This was private and strictly his and Shinji's. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Here we are, Shinji-kun. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Mi casa, su casa</span>
  </em>
  <span>", Kaworu declared in shitty spanish, trying to look cool. Shinji looked at him like he was part of an alien species and let out a good laugh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What was that all about? Mikasa? As in Mikasa from that anime, Attack on Titan?", he answered with a lazy smile in his face, walking over the room to properly examine what he hadn't really paid attention to, last time he'd been in there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hm...Sure? I mean, no, sorry, I was just trying to look smart to you. But now you're obviously thinking I'm a lunatic", Kaworu whispered in an overly dramatic voice. He'd been standing by the [now] closed door, content with just observing his roommate go around. He kept reminding himself that he shouldn't let the situation get awkward, since it was just the two of them, alone in a quiet room. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But the whole spanish thing was for sure worse than awkward silence, since I act like such an idiot!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji rested his cello in an armchair close to the piano and walked over to Kaworu, laughing at his pout. "I thought you were a lunatic long before this, so don't get too confident. Come on, we've got a long way to go", he stated, grabbing Kaworu by both hands and dragging him over to the piano. The pale boy felt like a doll being tossed around when he got sat down on the piano bench, his shoulders gently pushed down. He wouldn't mind being handled around like that again, not if the hands doing it remained the same as now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Here's the piano score", Shinji approached him from behind and adjusted the score in its position; while he was at it, Kaworu had no choice but look at his own feet, flustered; he'd never felt so conscious of the fact that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>liked boys</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It wasn't fair play. He was so close that his smell took over his nostrils; those delicate breaths he took while positioning the score could be heard with perfection; his neck was exposed enough that-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Here you go, Kaworu-kun, everything's set. You should start warming up while I do the same. Please forgive me if I sound awful, it's been so long...". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh- Thank you, Shinji-kun. And, don't you worry, I'm sure we'll be great together! I mean... The music we'll play together will sound great, yes...", Kaworu spoke in a whisper of a voice, dry swallowing his own previous thoughts. This was so embarrassing. He felt like he was twelve all over again. He was sure acting like it, at least! What would come next? Things could only be more idiotic if he got a freaking boner, jeez. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji obviously noticed that something was weird in the air, but decided not to do anything about it. He was anxious enough to please Kaworu as it was already. He couldn't mess anything up, even though, judging by the previous minutes, maybe he'd already done something wrong. Well... </span>
  <em>
    <span>It was</span>
  </em>
  <span> typical of him to ruin his chances with anyone. Although he did think he'd been doing kind of good with Nagisa...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, despite his anxiety towards his roommate, he knew that the real challenge would be his cello. He sat himself down, positioned the instrument in its place. Touched it, traced his fingers through it again, trying to make it feel familiar, make it feel like it was before; an extension of his own soul, or something like that. Maybe he could remember the exact term later. The poetry of it had kind of lost itself during the absent years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear, like a muffled distant sound, Kaworu's swift hands playing the initial melody, warming himself up. He wanted to look, wanted to take that moment in, but he had to make memories of himself, too. He'd already done the hardest part. He'd talked to his dad about it. He'd told someone about his mother. And that someone was with him right now, in his free time, during a Saturday, just so he could practice. He had to play again. It wasn't just for him, now. That thought was just as terrifying as it was heart-warming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bow was in his hand. It was easier, he realized, to pretend he was in his room as he could remember from his childhood. The picture was as clear as daylight; his bed, with one of those sheets that kids typically like to sleep in, maybe one from Naruto, his mother, Yui, sitting right next to him, watching him close. He had to imagine that, since he always closed his eyes to play. But he knew Yui was there before he started, and Rei always arrived sometime between him closing eyes and, later, their opening, after the rendition. She always said the music lured her in, like the cello had a mermaid effect. He liked to think he could produce any sort of effect on Rei. He was always craving for her and Yui's attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He'd drifted away so effortlessly, like he'd already done this a million times before; it had felt as easy as sleeping after a tiresome day. The bow was moving now. He didn't try to play the song that he and Kaworu would try to learn later, together. How could he? He wouldn't be able to read the score with closed eyes. However, it didn't even feel like he'd closed his eyes; he was seeing everything like it was before, now, fully compromised with playing his nameless song. It practically played itself. It needed to go out. It needed to be heard. More than that, it wanted to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu had stopped playing the tiles as soon as Shinji's bow gave its first stroke. In its first sound, it already was something very much raw, very much consuming. It didn't even sound like any specific song at first; it looked like the boy was just playing around, trying to get himself back on his track after a long time, which he knew to be true. But he didn't stop at that. He continued playing, his expressions changing, his brows furrowing, his mouth twisting into a line, his cheeks glowing red from the effort. He was giving himself to that. No matter what it was, he was truly putting his mind and soul into it, and, for that, Kaworu thought it could be the best rendition of music he'd ever had the pleasure to witness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji opened his eyes, breaking away the mental image he'd conjured. It was no longer Rei staring at him with a huge smile that met her wide eyes. But there was a big smile, coming from a pair of crimson eyes. Kaworu looked mesmerized, and gently took the cello out of Shinji's tired hands, so he could take them into his own tired ones. He'd gotten back to the piano a while after he realized how long his partner would take, trying to sync his piano to the cello. It didn't sound bad, not in the slightest, although it needed sharpening, which was the part he was the most eager to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look at you go, huh? I just adore you, Shinji-kun. I knew I wasn't wrong about these hands. You were hiding away so much talent", Kaworu declared in a voice charged with admiration. There was an abyss between people who knew how to play and people who not only knew, but let themselves, too, be played by their instrument when they wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first time, Shinji didn't feel like losing his balance or being too insecure to even breathe while holding hands with Kaworu. How it'd become such a frequent event, he didn't know, but it sure was something that fed him with dreams enough for a week after it happened. He pressed his hands back to Kaworu's, and used his thumb to draw lazy circles on the boy's palm, as a form of fondness. He wanted to be fond. He wanted to show how important he was becoming. Words weren't his strongest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe we should rest for a while, before actually training our song", he whispered, after a few minutes of sweet hand-holding that made him not know whether he was able to stare Kaworu in the face. Was this normal friend stuff? </span>
  <em>
    <span>It's moments like this one that make me regret not ever having had a close male friend. I wouldn't do this with Asuka, but, I mean, I don't know if it's because of her brute ways or not, and she's a girl, so, ugh..</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure", Kaworu answered, trying to look into Shinji's eyes, who looked like his main goal in life was looking down at his pants. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He's so embarrassed to be holding my hand, but he still won't let it go</span>
  </em>
  <span>. "Have I ever told you about the time I got stung by a bee in my swimming class?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To that, strangely enough, Shinji had an immediate reaction; looking up with a sort of envious look, "Swimming class? You swim?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I love the water. I feel free. But I'm not in a team or whatever, I just do it for fun whenever I can find myself a pool".</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course he loves the water. Of course he has good grades and rocks the piano. Of course, of course! He's perfect. Gendo would love him. He would make a much better son than me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The rusty feeling of envy left as quickly as it stayed. It wasn't fair to hate Nagisa for his nature. He was an amazing person, a kind one. His hand was, not metaphorically, always extended to Shinji. He shouldn't mistake his feelings of self-hatred with his feelings for anyone else, especially not with this boy, who was the closest human contact he'd had that wasn't Asuka or Rei. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tell me about the bee. Tell me whatever comes into mind. I like your weird way of telling stories; you're so serious that I feel like laughing at your face, Kaworu-kun", Shinji declared, laughing as Kaworu's expression turned from happy into a fake sad look. He looked like the Puss in Boots when he put his hat down and his eyes turned big and cryish.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm going to ignore the fact that you said I have weird ways and focus on you saying you like it, silly. So, I was still in my previous school, which is miles away from here, but that's not the point, and they had this huge olympic pool, but it wasn't in a room with a ceiling. It was out in the open. I was eight, and my mom dropped me out in class and went to the gym. She always let me be independent, as she would say, but, if I had to give my eight year old opinion on it, I just felt sad because I was always the last kid to be picked up. Well, back to the bee, — Shinji was looking at him telling the story and trying to colour it in his mind; did Kaworu always have grey hair? Was he always this pale, this excentric? What did his mom look like?, was she as beautiful and carried the same out-wordly feeling in her walk, like her son? — I was alone in the streak, because the kid that would share it with me was late. I was doing the crawl, like the teacher had told me so, when I felt something itching my skin right in my eyebrow. You see, I have very sensible skin (chuckles), so I immediately stopped swimming and pulled my glasses up. When I did that, I unwillingly trapped the bee below one of the lenses; it stood walking on my left eyebrow and couldn't get out. I got stung pretty quickly".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait, what? How did it get in? You were facing the water, weren't you?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It was floating there and I swimmed face-straight into it. Maybe it had fallen a few minutes ago. I don't know. I just think it's crazy how specific it was! If I hadn't done anything, I would have taken it off just by swimming away", Kaworu spoke, with his typical smile on. Shinji felt his skin prickling with the sheer thought of it. He hated any flying insect. In instinct, he took one of his hands back so he could soften back the skin of his arms, and only realized what he'd done a second later. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're scared of bugs, then?", Kaworu asked, one of his eyebrows flicking up in an intriguing look. Shinji wondered if it was the same eyebrow where the bee stung him. He couldn't see any marks, in either of them, but it made sense. Nothing so small would be noticeable years later. But he still looked closely, mostly because he now had an excuse. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span>. "Don't worry, I always got told they fear us more than we fear them. When the bee landed on my face, it just felt like this. — Kaworu lifted the hand that had been let go, and brought it up to Shinji's eyebrow. He gave it a light touch with his finger. Shinji closed his eyes in a reflex, for some reason thinking it would feel cold; his pale skin made him give off that impression, but it was a lie, Shinji knew that for a fact since the first time they held hands and he was as hot as Shinji himself was. He remembered Asuka telling him that you have to close your eyes for a kiss, and quickly opened his again, now realizing his subconscious had tricked him, and felt even more flushed when he could only see a soft expression looking back at him. Kaworu's hand slid down his face, leaving a trail of kind touching behind. — And that's why you shouldn't be scared. It only hurts for a little while, but after my mom took me home and kissed it better, I felt fine". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think Asuka would kiss it better for me, I don't have a mom, Gendo despises me, but, huh, Rei would do it if I asked her. She's always waiting for me to ask something", Shinji replied, speaking faster than ever, feeling like </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>, whatever it was, had gotten beyond the safe point for his anxiety. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can promise you that I will do it for you without you asking if I'm close. Deal?", Kaworu offered his hand back in a sort of funny handshake, like the ones that business people do. He had the gift to turn awkward situations back into normal ones, and right now, it felt like his best trait. But had he just said that he was willing to give Shinji a kiss without- </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop. Don't get too dreamy. He was talking about a fucking bug situation, you perv. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Deal", Shinji extended back his hand and they sealed their silly treat. It was nice and weird at the same time to do normal teenager stuff. "Hey, um, here's a fact about me. I never learned how to swim. I gotta admit you left me jealous for a second when you told me how you love the water". He could clearly remember his therapist telling him that when people open up to you, it's nice to do the same to them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It's called building bridges, Shinji. You see, no man is an island. You need people just as much as they need you, even if you think you're unwanted. You're not. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Really? Can I ask you what went wrong?", Kaworu questioned. If it had been anyone else, if it had been Asuka herself, with her stuck up manners, even though she was his best friend, he wouldn't have answered with the truth. It was something related to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Can I ask</span>
  </em>
  <span> with the almost childish curiosity that surrounded him. He was only interested. He didn't look like he would judge. He didn't look like he would offer advice in return, if he didn't feel like the moment was appropriate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't want to take up our time, so I'll shorten it up. Rei was always brilliant at swimming, I never could make it past my teacher's arms without starting to drown. Gendo got mad. He took both of us to the beach, without my mom, of course, she never would have let him do what he did, and then he threw us into the water. It's a sink or swim world, he said, and I sank, Rei swam. I almost drowned the both of us by trying to breathe. Gendo took us out and we never went to the beach again. Also, I think that's the day he started to nurture his true disappointment towards me. I couldn't care less, because, huh, that's the day I started truly hating him", Shinji blurted out, somehow managing to keep eye contact while at it. It pleased him to see how the expression he saw in Kaworu's eyes didn't falter for a second. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You tell me you hate Gendo so much, but he always shows up in those significant stories you've told me, Shinji-kun, and he's always a huge part of them, in good and bad ways. I just think you're hurt because he cannot give you what you need. Just hurt, like most people are", Kaworu answered, managing not to sound judgmental. He was just being honest. Shinji's eyes widened by hearing something like that, but he didn't run away like he wished to. "Sorry. Did I say more than I should have?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I like that in you. You don't treat me like I'm not fit to hear what you think", Shinji answered, "So, no, you didn't say more than you should, because you can say whatever you feel like. Please, remain like this, Kaworu-kun". </span>
  <em>
    <span>What I meant to say is </span>
  </em>
  <span>Please remain</span>
  <em>
    <span>. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course, Shinji-kun. Should we get back to practice? I'm thinking of a place I want to take you to later this evening, and I want us to have proper time to do everything", Kaworu asked with a sly smile that reached his devious eyes. For the first time, he looked wicked. Like he was planning to take Shinji on a crusade around an abandoned building.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Huh...Sure. Is it a surprise? You don't look like you're going to tell me", Shinji declared, worried. Kaworu shrugged his suspicions off with a look that clearly said he wasn't telling anything and pulled both of them up and back to their instruments. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look, it's the first time you're trying to synch your cello to my piano, so don't worry if everything turns up looking shitty. We have from today until Wednesday to make it look good. I trust our potential. We match, don't we? We could pull off anything", Kaworu spoke with a wink that sent Shinji's heartbeat up again. So unfair. Wouldn't his heart ever get used to him? Huh, probably not. But-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You said it's the first time I'll try to sync my cello to your piano, not that it would be the first time for you too", Shinji declared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You did your homework, gorgeous. I was trying to synch up with you when you had your eyes closed and was focused on that raw song. It didn't look that nice, but I liked the feeling of trying more than the actual result. Now, come on, focus on the score", Kaworu answered with an almost unnoticeable blush in his cheeks, combing his grey hair back just so his hands could be somewhere. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My hands are easier to handle when joined with his. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu was right. In the beginning, their rhythm didn't sound harmonical in the slightest. Shinji played at a much more anxious and accelerated pace than he did; it took adjustments from both of them until they'd gotten to a middle term. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, I think you've already had a lot today. We should leave the heavy practice for tomorrow and go get something to eat", Kaworu got out of the piano bench and walked over to where Shinji was seated, looking tired. The clock in the room signalized five p.m.; knowing they'd gotten there just right after noon was a crazy thought. Everything had happened so fast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Almost as if reading his thoughts, Shinji, as he got up from the bench, said, "Time flies when you're having fun. Good thing we can repeat this until Wednesday, the two of us".</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this was getting so long. originally, their date on the evening would be along this chapter, but, on the total, it was already more than 5k words long... so... yeah... i know i like to make them hold hands a lot but their kiss is FINALLY on its way! dont give up on me yet lol i love slow burns &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. This is the answer I want to give you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Since you're not telling me where we're headed, can you at least tell me if I'm wearing an appropriate choice of clothing? If you kidnap me in the dead of the night, at least I'll be dressed for the occasion!", Shinji declared, loudly, so he could be heard by Kaworu, who was in the bathroom, just out of the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not the dead of the night, it's still six p.m., cutie! I'll be right there!", Kaworu screamed back. Shinji's neck burned with the looks he was receiving from Kensuke, who was the only one in the room. He kept trying to get Ikari to look at him just so he could give a nice little ironic smile. How could he blame Kensuke for acting like they had something going on, if Kaworu kept calling him cutie?</span>
  <em>
    <span> It makes me sound like a little house cat, ha!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji was struggling to lace his shoes without losing his balance, so he finally settled with sitting on the bed nearest to him. Of course what he feared happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So... Shinji boy about to get laid, huh?", Kensuke whispered in his ear, having gotten by his side in super human speed, as it looked like. Shinji supposed he should be thankful that Touji wasn't here. Kensuke alone didn't look like he would go ranting about Nagisa. And had he just said about getting laid- Oh, Jesus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shut up, would you? It's not like he's not a door away from us", Shinji answered, immediately wanting to slap himself in the face. Now he gave the wrong impression to Kensuke. Instead of denying that ridiculous thing about getting laid (which probably wouldn't happen in a million years and not ever with Kaworu freaking Nagisa), he just said that like he had an actual relationship with the said boy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh! So you don't deny it! Ikari-kun, I must say that, out of all the people, you're the one that keeps surprising me the most", Kensuke declared in a still whispered voice, looking at the door where Kaworu was (and probably wondering why everyone had gotten quiet so fast).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feeling his face grow hotter than possible, Shinji managed to get the words out, "I- Look, no. It's not like that. No getting laid. Nothing but roommates going out".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, right, then why wasn't I invited? You're going on a date, Shinji! D-a-t-e. Don't be afraid to say it; I know most girls and boys in our school wouldn't be, if they were in your place. They'd probably brag about it, though", Kensuke teased. Shinji's stomach fluttered around the room. This was not how he expected Kensuke to act. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn't looked bothered by the suggestion that two dudes would hang out alone, no, in fact, he was the one to give it a romantic meaning. Maybe... Maybe not everyone was an asshole about it as Gendo. It made him want to tell him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, Kensuke, I'm gay as fuck, and I'd love to go on a gay little date with Kaworu, because, you know, he's the most interesting guy I've ever met, and I like him. But he's most likely not giving two fucks about me in a romantic sense, as he should, so don't feed me with hopes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why do you keep saying that, idiot? It's not like he would go on a date with me", Shinji tried to whisper, but it ended up being a few volumes up of what he wanted due to his anxiety. Kensuke's hand shut his mouth up, laughing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why not? You're more intimate in one week than he ever was with anyone that wasn't Hikari", Kensuke offered, a sly smile up his lips. The idea was tempting, but Shinji </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn't want to hope or linger in the topic. And it's not like he wouldn't come out of the door in a few moments. He should probably talk to Kensuke, though, later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, maybe he likes Hikari, then. They should be the focus of your date obsessions, not... Not me and him", Shinji answered, finally finishing the lacing of his shoes. He looked like his basic self; a Joy Division t-shirt (he only ever walked around in band shirts), jogger black pants and his black Vans. Asuka would always tell him it was his out-of-school-uniform. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kensuke turned around to face Shinji, pushing his glasses back up from the bridge of his nose, "I think you should know, but don't you go around gossiping about it. Hikari and Touji have a little, almost nonexistent thing going on, so you don't have to worry about her. They're just best friends... And, there was a rumor last year that-".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Shinji-kun. I think you should take a coat. I would for sure love to do the old cliché where you forget to take yours and we huddle together for warmth, but, unfortunately, I care too much about you not getting a cold. Let's roll", Kaworu left the bathroom, already fully dressed in his clothing; loose grey shorts and a yellow shirt whose print read 'Summer bummer'. Weird. But of course it looked nice on him. Shinji had already drawn the conclusion that he was as pretty as heaven and had to make zero effort into attracting him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nice to know you'd do a cliché for me. Maybe next time, because I don't want to get a cold either", Shinji answered as he got up from bed and grabbed a random coat from his drawer. Kensuke gave him one last 'You're-about-to-get-laid' look and sent him off with a smile. What he was about to say had been cut off by Kaworu's arrival and it left him as curious as ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I thought we were heading off. The gates are not in this direction", Shinji spoke, curiously, as Kaworu guided him into a corridor he'd never been in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We're not leaving school grounds. Which means we get to stay as long as we want", Kaworu answered, and then shut up, not willing to answer again. They were already so close, anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Knowing their location was a few steps away, Kaworu stopped his walking, startling Shinji, who followed the example. He walked so he stood behind the boy and covered his eyes with his hands, "We're almost there. You'll have to trust me".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know I do", Shinji answered, and it ripped a smile from his roommate's lips. Their walking came to a halt as Kaworu had to let his hands drop and go unlock the old door. He and Hikari had access to this room. It was meant for the presidents of the school activities; she was the one for the drama club, Kaworu was for the music group, and there were a few others he couldn't name. Almost no one came around, which was truly a mystery, since there were no cameras, no teachers, no nothing. Just a pool, a bar, a huge TV, and a few sofas scattered around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can look now", Kaworu carefully observed Shinji's reaction. He looked like a kid lost in the mall, trying to take everything in, "I'll turn the lights on, since it'll be dark in a few. Feel free to walk around".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How- Why has no one told me there's a spa-looking room in the middle of NERV?", Shinji questioned in a whispered voice, like someone might listen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu explained to him how its use was restricted, and took his shirt while at it. As soon as he saw it, Shinji looked down, unsure of how to act. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Take yours too, if you don't want it getting wet".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Excuse me?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We're swimming tonight".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, we're not. Did you forget about what I-", his speech got interrupted by Kaworu's sudden approach. The boy took him into a </span>
  <em>
    <span>hug</span>
  </em>
  <span>. A hug, of all things. Shinji's lower stomach filled with butterflies, and he dared to hug him back. He smelled so nice from this close. And his body joined with his didn't feel bad, either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm teaching you. I'll try my best. I've never teached anyone how to swim, so if it all goes to hell, I'm sorry. I at least want to make you less afraid of the water", Kaworu whispered to his ear. There was no need to whisper, they were already so close, but, hell, Shinji was glad he'd done it like that. He was taller than Shinji was, and he noticed how the height difference made it perfect for Shinji to rest his head in the curve of his neck- Huh. Kensuke was right; he was turning this into a date. He couldn't help his wanting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Breaking apart from the hug, knowing he wouldn't last much longer if he stayed, Shinji took off his shirt, resting it into the nearest sofa. Kaworu was already getting inside the water, with his shorts on. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit, the pants</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can keep them if you want to. Sorry for not warning you about it, didn't want to spoil the surprise, but there's an extra pair I always leave in here, so don't mind about those". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He kept them on, just because he would be too self-conscious if he only wore his underwear. Breathing in deep, he used the stair that was in the pool to slowly enter. Kaworu was right beside it, his elbow resting on the tiles that surrounded the water, waiting for Shinji and being close enough to prevent accidents. He knew he took a good five minutes to be in, but there was none hurrying up, which was great. He had to remind himself every five seconds that this was not the open sea, this was a pool that didn't even look deep, there was someone here to take care of him, he was in school, a shout away from help. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There you go. Look, the water is warm, it feels nice, doesn't it?", Kaworu whispered as he took in Shinji's trembling hands, who were still desperately hanging on to the stairs. Now that he didn't have that support, he felt dizzy, but, well, he was still floating. They really were in a shallow pool. "You can hang onto me in whatever way you want, but, right now, I'm only taking your hands, ok? If you feel too insecure, I can carry you on my back like my cousin used to do to me when I was still learning. Don't be shy to ask".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only answer he managed to give was a stuttering </span>
  <em>
    <span>alright</span>
  </em>
  <span>. They were now just doing lazy circles on the water, as Shinji held Kaworu's hand with so much strength it probably hurt; no complaints came from the other half. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"K-Kaworu-kun?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, Shinji-kun?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well...", Shinji tried to assemble his nerve to ask the real Big Question. He wanted to know what Kensuke was about to tell him before they left. He suspected it had something to do with his romantic background. "Can I ask you something really personal?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu's crimson eyes turned to him, and he gave a little nod with his head. Shinji could almost forget where he was if he didn't feel the water around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't have to answer, if you don't want to", he said in a low voice, as if the answer might be too much to ask of a guy, "Kensuke was about to tell me about a rumour that involved you last year, but you interrupted him. I'm just really curious right now".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a second, all of Kaworu's composed figure crumbled away into a bothered one, remembering about </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> unfortunate relationship which had become a rumour. He quickly got back to his normal face, laughing at Shinji's absurdly curious but educated face, "I know just what he meant, don't worry, I'll tell you. Huh, I thought everyone had forgotten about that one already. I dated a guy last year for a few months, don't look so surprised!, but it was a secret because he didn't want people to know he was gay. But then I broke up with him and somehow everyone spread the rumour I had a thing with him. I still don't quite understand how...".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he ever felt conscious when being around Nagisa before, well, now it had gotten a million times worse. He liked dudes. He- He really liked dudes! Just like Shinji! His mind didn't really produce any coherent thoughts other than a bunch of romantic pool scenarios that were laughable, in the least, and worrisome, at the worst. Wow. That- He had to tell Rei and Asuka, he just had to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you homophobic or something? You're just staring at me with crazy eyes and I'm beginning to wonder if you're not gonna try to drown me...", Kaworu declared, but, contrary to his supposed worry in his speech, he just came closer to Shinji inside the water, circling his waist with his arms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What was that weird feeling in the air, like it might lit itself up if someone struck a match? His skin prickled even under water, feeling something close to electricity. He knew that his breath wasn't coming in short rags because of his fear of swimming. He didn't even mind being in the water anymore. </span>
  <em>
    <span>His face is so damn close.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"Ha, hum, no, I'm not homophobic, hum, how... How could I be, if, hm...", he tried to speak, but the fact that his waist was now being </span>
  <em>
    <span>held tightly</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn't help him a lot in the situation. His arms were dropped by his side; his only support was Kaworu. He realized floating wasn't that hard anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Finish the sentence. How could you be if...? I want to hear it", Kaworu spoke in a hushed tone, his face inching closer by the minute. Shinji knew his face had gone beyond red again. Even he couldn't deny that something was going on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If... If...Oh!", Shinji gasped. Without him properly realizing his actions, Kaworu had taken them to the deepest part of the pool. His feet didn't touch the ground. Before he could panic, he heard his roommate's voice, "See? It's not something you should fear. We got here just fine. But I think you should hold onto me real hard now".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You made me panic just so I wouldn't realize where you were taking me?", Shinji asked, laughing, pulling both his arms from his side and circling them around Kaworu's neck. It was easy just like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Um... That's only half of the truth. I do want to know the answer. And I did want to distract you, but, hey, you were the one to get so nervous", he answered, a sly smile. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But what if... What if I'd gone out of breath?", Shinji questioned, not truly knowing why he was saying it. He just wanted to do something that wasn't be extremely conscious of their bodies joined together and how easy it seemed to reach out and lean in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking a hand off Shinji's waist, Kaworu brought it into the boy's hot cheeks, "I would do just like I've seen in the movies. I'd take you out first, and then, I'd reach for your mouth". Kaworu looked him straight into his eyes, giving him the few seconds to turn away; he didn't, of course not. His hands still in Shinji's cheeks, he locked their mouths together. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is the spark that would light the air. This is the jolt of electricity</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn't last longer than two heartbeats. When Kaworu pulled back, Shinji could still feel his kiss on his lips. It felt better than anything he'd ever felt. Like something that could only happen to distant people, better people than him. He'd kept his eyes open during the quick seconds, and felt like he'd experienced a whole lot more than what was possible. Their eyes locked together, and Shinji could see Kaworu's expectant expression. He had an actual</span>
  <em>
    <span> blush. I think he expects me to do something back</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is the answer I want to give you", Shinji whispered, pulling him closer by the neck, until their faces were so close that he barely had to move to kiss him again. It was nothing like it had been with Asuka. He didn't have any other kissing experiences, but it didn't really feel like it mattered. Kaworu and him just set the perfect pace without even putting effort into it. It felt natural; it felt right. It felt like they'd done it a million times before. Like he had gone to a place just with him, and they were the only people ever, weightless, happy. He never felt like making a moment last forever more than now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kaworu's hands were a hot mess all over his body; touching him, pulling him closer, closer, making him ache and melt wherever they left a mark. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I wonder what his hair feels like</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The thought came and left as soon as he realized he didn't need to wonder. He could touch it, and so he did, his wet fingers messing the beautiful grey, almost white, hair. He had a fun memory of the day before; Touji arguing with Kaworu because of how late they were and he still wanted to get his hair done, otherwise the wind would ruin it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It sure feels perfect right now</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey", Kaworu broke them apart after a few good minutes, just as breathless as his partner. He looked so far away from his usual perfect appearance. He didn't look like he'd go out and speak pretty sentences or walk like a ballerina. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I just decided I like him more when he looks like this</span>
  </em>
  <span>. "There's a sofa over there, I think it'll be better. I'm trying not to let you go but I want my hands to be places, and, hum, you get my point".</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don't freak out. You'll only go as far as you want. Don't freak out. Don't!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure". It didn't feel nearly as scary to cross the pool, holding Kaworu's hand as he swam. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Such grace.</span>
  </em>
  <span> They both had a good laugh when they got out of it; the sofa would for sure get a stain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Towels. There must be at least one over here. Let's have a look around", Shinji suggested. Although there was no need, Kaworu kept a hand by his exposed waist as they walked around. There were towels, indeed, and they tried their best at getting dry without actually taking the pants off. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I wouldn't mind it, but he looks like he would die in my arms, so...,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kaworu thought to himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was already dark outside, they could tell by the closed window. There was no sound in there, no footsteps coming from the hall outside, nothing. Without a word, they both walked to the nearest sofa and dropped themselves in it. Shinji was laying down, Kaworu on top of him, making the best out of the tight space. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kensuke was right, then".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Huh? About the rumour?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. I mean, yes, he was also right about that. But he told me... Never mind. You'll make fun of me".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lowering himself enough so he could deliver a short kiss, Kaworu replied, "Why would I ever make fun of you? I like you. I really do". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're making me blush. Stop it", Shinji answered, smiling. Again, Kaworu lowered himself and kissed him, on the cheek, this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I like when you blush. You do it all the time, which is good for me, of course". To that, Shinji pulled him by the waist. "There, Kaworu-kun. You blush, too, you just don't get self-conscious like I do, silly".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now you're just teasing me. I think you </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> should tell me what Kensuke was right about before I start kissing you again and completely forget about the previous subject...", Nagisa said right by Shinji's neck, before kissing it, once, twice. That was more than enough for him to think </span>
  <em>
    <span>To hell with what I was about to say</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hoisted himself up, but, before he could kiss Kaworu, the boy switched their positions; making Shinji be on top of him. "Sit on my lap, would you", he said while reclining his back against the sofa. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, that must be a nice position. He really has experience</span>
  </em>
  <span>. As he obeyed and sat there, circling his legs around Nagisa's waist, he couldn't help but notice the obvious. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He's hard too</span>
  </em>
  <span>. For some reason, that was almost as exciting as being kissed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I made him feel like that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shit...You're so hot", Shinji whispered, more to himself than otherwise, but they were so close that Kaworu heard him. In half a second, he pulled them closer to one another, and kissed him again, his hands reaching for Shinji's back, lower, lower. He was about to ask if it was alright to touch him there when a muffled moan came from his partner's mouth. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That's all I want to hear</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Shinji's phone vibrated once. He decided to ignore it. It was a choice as easy as breathing to him. It would be to anyone who had Kaworu Nagisa's hands all over them, while being kissed like there was no tomorrow. It vibrated twice. He still ignored it; his eyes weren't even open, so he just thought that whoever it was, it could wait. It vibrated three times and he was already starting to get pissed at it. The phone was on the floor, not so far away from the sofa, and it was beginning to ruin the mood. But then it started vibrating like crazy, signalizing a phone call. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Really? Right now? Out of every possible occasion?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled away from Kaworu's hot lips and reached for the phone with his extended arm. He was as angry as anyone could get. "I'm so sorry. I'll just tell the person I'm busy doing stuff right now".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm called stuff now, then", Nagisa answered with a silly smile. Shinji gave him the tongue before picking up. He hadn't even read the person's name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, can you call me later? I'm really busy doing-", he got interrupted by a group laughter in the background. Girl laughter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh... I thought this was Kaw's phone. Never mind me! Go back to whatever you two are doing at eleven p.m., alone. Make sure to clean up", the girl's voice answered, holding back laughter. Kaworu could hear the voice coming from the other end of the line, and got embarrassed at once. Hikari. Of course. He hadn't warned her about the date. She was probably calling so they could hang out at this exact spot, like they sometimes did. Shit, now he wouldn't be able to surprise her with the news. And was it eleven p.m. already? Jeez, time does fly when you're having fun. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I can't wait until we get to have more fun than this. He's still shy. I'll just wait for his time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Shinji looked confused and embarrassed at the same time, trying to understand the whole thing. "That was Hikari... Sorry... We usually hang out here this late, that's why she called", Kaworu justified, apologetic. It's always a bummer to get cut short. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't really mind. I was just trying to think if the laughter in the background belonged to Asuka and Rei. Probably, right?".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I guess. They're roommates, just like us. Ha. We're so lucky".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We should only do stuff when the other two are away, though. Show them some respect". </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're planning something nasty, then? Wow! Your innocent face really deceived me".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Would you stop? You're making me shy again".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come here, let me kiss it away. You always drop the shiness away just as we start kissing".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just because you do it so nicely...".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tell me that again".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Huh... I said you do it nicely...".</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe whisper it in my ear next time, huh? I like when you do that, too".</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Their room was in complete darkness when they headed back; it was a few minutes past midnight, and the other two boys were asleep. The school was so silent that Kaworu joked about it being like a horror movie, and grabbed Shinji's hand, 'for safety measures' when they were walking down the corridors, shirts on, pants still a bit sogged, huge smiles. It was harder than they thought it would be to not actually join their beds. But sleeping side to side was already nice enough, especially since they found out that, if they reached their hands out, they could hold them together even when laying down. They never fell asleep so fast. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>here it is. it finally happened. yeah... this is making me nervous. i never know if the stuff i write is either nice or pure trash, lol. thanks for the comments, they really keep me going!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Can we just kiss, for now?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Quick. Popcorn or chocolate?", Asuka asked, pointing her short-nailed fingers at the menu that stood behind the attendant, a tired looking girl with short hair to her ears. </p><p>"What do you want, Kaworu-kun?", Shinji turned around to face the boy behind him, who had his hands in the pocket of his black leather coat. </p><p>"Whatever you want, love. Don't mind me", Kaworu answered, absentmindedly, smiling at Shinji. He couldn't help but find it funny when, one day after their date at the pool, Shinji had asked him out again, but, well, it wasn't exactly a date. Asuka and Rei had been waiting for them at the school gates once they got there, and his heart had slightly sunk to his feet. They were at the town shopping right now, buying food for the movie they were about to see. <em> Which we still haven't chosen, because Shinji-kun and Asuka love to scream at each other about the decision, ha</em>. </p><p>"Did you hear that, idiot? He just called you loooooove!", Asuka replied, a hand to her belly and a mean laugh. Shinji went red at once, rubbing his hair, trying to let out a witty answer, and obviously failing. He could barely meet Kaworu's eyes, since they'd woken up, hands miraculously still joined. Kensuke had a great time pointing out the hickeys in his neck and how late they'd gotten back, or how cute of a couple they would look like. <em> I can't disagree</em>. </p><p>"Leave them be, Asuka, you're just jealous Shinji got lucky before you. Let them decide what they'll eat together instead of wanting to get in the middle", Rei pointed out, making Asuka embarrassed. The redhead just nodded, angry, but knowing she would have to argue with Ayanami if she said anything bad again, and ordered a medium bucket of popcorn. </p><p>"Oh, now we can order whatever we want. Do you want popcorn and chocolate? Or maybe just popcorn? Or just-", Shinji struggled with his words. Truth was, Kaworu looked so nice now, with that Grease look, he could barely focus on anything else. He had said how beautiful he looked before they left NERV, and he had to get a hold of himself not to say it again and again. </p><p>He could barely finish his sentence before, right then and right there, in the line to the damn food, Kaworu pulled him close by the waist and landed a quick kiss in his mouth, "I wonder what kissing after eating popcorn feels like. Maybe it's salty?", he whispered, leaving a stunned Shinji behind. </p><p>The girl in the cashier barely gave them a look; Asuka was freaking out, and Rei was making her shut up. "I guess you want popcorn, then?", was the only thing Shinji could say without letting out his despair. Kaworu <em> really </em>didn't mind about personal space or public demonstrations of affection, either. Good thing he'd already warned the girls via texting in their group that he and Kaworu had walked the walk, if they knew what he meant. Rei didn't; Asuka had a fun time explaining to her that they'd fucked, and then Shinji had a hard time explaining to Asuka that it wasn't that kind of walk; Rei thought he meant walking around NERV, and so they went, until everyone understood the situation. </p><p>"Yes, popcorn is fine. So, lady, we'll have a large combo with Coca-Cola, is that ok?", Shinji gave a positive nod. "Um, I want two bars of Kit-Kat too. That's all". Before Shinji could protest, Kaworu took his wallet from his pocket and pulled out a credit card to pay. <em>That smells like rich kid. Oh, I forgot he goes to NERV. I'm the only normal person here</em>, Asuka thought to herself with a taste of envy in her mouth. </p><p>"I could have helped you pay, Kaworu-kun. I have my credit card with me, too", Shinji declared in a bothered voice. He didn't like to be trouble. It's not like they wouldn't share. Kaworu approached him, holding a huge bucket of popcorn in his right hand, the Coca-Cola plastic cup in the other, and the Kit-Kat already in his pockets. </p><p>He then looked at Shinji, confused, "What's wrong with me being old-fashioned? I'm the type of boyfriend who likes to pay the bill and hold the door open for you. Oh, and borrow my jacket if you ever feel cold. Don't forget what I said about the cliché". <em> Boyfriend</em>!? He grabbed the bucket of popcorn so Kaworu now had a free hand he could hold, and gave him a kiss. "Alright, you can do it this time. Just this time, handsome".</p><p>"We have to buy the tickets now. Actually, we should have done it before buying the food", Rei declared, looking at the watch in her wrist. It was already six p.m., and the two movies they were choosing between would start in twenty minutes. </p><p>"Yeah, we should have, but someone can't take a no for an answer, right?", Shinji spoke, looking at Asuka, giving her the tongue. If she hadn't been holding her popcorn, too, he would for sure have gotten a slap. </p><p>"Shut up, you little bitch. You only want to watch the horror movie so you can have an excuse to jump at your boyfriend's lap when things get scary. I'm not doing that with Rei, so it's not fair!", Asuka screamed back, a wicked smile in her face. When Shinji's horrified face turned so pale he might faint, she knew she'd gotten her point right. Well, they <em> have been </em> best friends since childhood. </p><p>Kaworu, on the other hand, had a different reaction, "I think we should totally watch the horror movie. I love horror movies, have I ever told you that, Shinji-kun? I mean, Coraline is my favorite. <em> Really </em>love the genre". God, they were lucky that they were practically alone in the place, because Asuka let out a laughter so loud that it could have been heard from NERV.</p><p>"Yeah, I can't say no to that, we have to watch it now, since he wants you to sit on his lap this much. I've never seen anyone speak up so fast... That's hilarious...That's just too good, Shinji, you've landed yourself a good one", Asuka said between wheezes of laughter. Kaworu was laughing with her. How could he not? He really had a quick reaction to what she suggested. He just couldn't help but think of the day before, him kissing Shinji on that exact position that the girl talked about, and how good it felt. He really wanted to do it again.</p><p>"You two are clowns. It's not like I get scared, Asuka", Shinji answered, glancing at her. He took a handful of the popcorn in his mouth as they made their way to buying the tickets, and Kaworu whispered in his ear, "And it's not like you need an excuse to do that to me, you know". Bad timing to be eating popcorn; he choked. </p><hr/><p>"I take what I said back. This is giving me a really bad feeling. I hate movies with evil spirits", Shinji whispered to Kaworu's ear. He was squeezing the boy's pale hands with fear as the movie became creepier; he should have known it would be like that.</p><p>"You can always sit on my lap", Kaworu answered back in a low voice, holding back his laugh as Shinji turned his face away, annoyed. The movie session was empty save for their group, so Rei chose places that were far from one another. The girls were a few rows in front of them. Privacy, she'd said. <em> Thank you, Rei, God bless you.  </em></p><p>"You're making me embarrassed", Shinji whispered, not even paying attention to the screen anymore. The only entertainment he wanted could only come from the boy right beside him. </p><p>"You didn't look embarrassed yesterday. I can even recall you calling me... What was it again... Ah, right. Hot", Kaworu said in a provocative voice, moving his hands to Shinji's thigh. A chill went through his spine, making his exposed skin prickle. He let out a hiss. </p><p>"Yeah, I might remember something like that", he answered, looking towards the screen, not wanting his body to betray himself. If he looked, he would be doomed. Losing words would be the least of his problems. </p><p>"You should look at me when you speak. I like to see your cheeks go red, I think I also mentioned this yesterday", Kaworu pulled one of the hands from his thigh and used it to push his face back, so they would face each other. No good. </p><p>"I can't, I can't look", Shinji answered in a fragile voice, trying to look down; Kaworu's hands kept pulling his face up. </p><p>"Am I that ugly? You haven't given me a proper look since we woke up", he declared. </p><p>"No! You're too beautiful, that's it. I get nervous now that I know you actually like me back. I'm so normal next to you".</p><p>"Stop it. I'm not a god. I'm a person just like you, love. And I want <em> you</em>. I think that's more than clear by now. Don't underestimate how beautiful and interesting <em> you </em> are", Kaworu confessed, awkwardly trying to hug Shinji between their chairs. His words had rang true, as it looked like, because the smile he got as an answer could have lit up the dark room. <em> God, I'm so fucked. </em> </p><p>"I think you mentioned something about me sitting on your lap before", Shinji whispered in his ear, taking a hiss out of him. Shit. He had a weak spot for whispers; how close they'd have to be, how he could hear his soft breathing, smell his nice perfume. The bucket of popcorn lay empty in Kaworu's lap; he could only register it being moved smoothly away before Shinji sat atop of him. </p><p>"Fuck!", escaped his lips before he could hold it back. "Sorry! Am I too heavy?", Ikari questioned with true concern in his eyes; he'd never heard Kaworu sound like that. The wicked smile he got in return made him understand the sound. <em> Oh</em>. </p><p>"No, you feel perfect, that's just it. I couldn't help it. Come here", he answered, approaching Shinji to kiss him all the way from his neck to his mouth. How come it felt like every time they kissed, it was more and more exciting? He could already feel himself go stiff; it was way quicker now that he was so close, that their bodies were joined, that he could feel Kaworu's hardness immediately. <em> This will be the end of me. Not today, but soon</em>. In the back of his mind, he thought if the girls wouldn't look behind and catch them at that, but, honestly, he had bigger concerns. Like kissing, and kissing, and being kissed, being held tight. <em> He's so good</em>.</p><p>"Can I-", Kaworu was about to ask when the characters on the screen screamed. The two almost jumped out of the chair, since they had almost forgotten where they were. "Shit!", they said at the same time, laughing. So much for the romantic vibe. </p><p>"Do you think it'll be long before it ends? I'm dying to get back to the dorm", Shinji whispered, resting his forehead in Kaworu's, rubbing their noses together. </p><p>"Nah, we've been here for a good while already. But, hey, what makes you so eager to get back?", he answered, giving an innocent smile that looked anything but. </p><p>"Uh, well...It's just...", Shinji spoke, not really managing to answer. He didn't want to go back so they could have sex. He wasn't ready for that step. It had nothing to do with Kaworu; he was hot, beautiful, a good kisser, obviously more than exciting, respectful. Basically, all that Shinji pictured of a perfect guy. It had everything to do with himself, though. Getting naked in front of someone was still a thought that made him want to hide under the blankets with embarrassament; he wasn't so confident. And he knew that first times hurt, even if just a bit, in case he was lucky and Kaworu was gentle. Not that he needed to think about it now-</p><p>"You're cute. It's alright, don't tell me, I'll know once we get there. I just hope the boys will be out", Kaworu declared in a tired voice, before circling his arms around Shinji's waist. Comforting. He was so comforting. </p><hr/><p>The journey back to NERV at almost eight p.m. was as tense as it could be; Asuka was making a visible effort not to mention how both Shinji and Kaworu apparently knew nothing about the movie they'd just watched, or how they both held their coats in front of their pants. Rei was making a visible effort to hold back her smiles; she obviously felt like a proud mom. When they had to split up on their ways to the dorm, Asuka muttered to Shinji, "Be safe, make him wear a condom. If he says no, you'll tell his dick the same thing. Good luck". What was it that had made Kensuke and Asuka talk about sex? God, was everyone except him doing it? Did he have to hurry something up? Would he be hurried up by Kaworu? <em> No, I don't think so. He doesn't look like the type.  </em></p><p>The dorm was empty. It really was. Touji had warned them in their group chat that him and Kensuke had also gone out to hang out and they would be back as late as they could, considering the curfew, and Shinji had only read the message now. Which meant he and Kaworu had a few alone hours. Shit. A part of him was secretly hoping that at least one of the two guys would be there, just so he wouldn't have to face whatever he would have to face. </p><p>"Don't look so scared. I won't bite you. Not unless you ask", Kaworu's voice brought him back from his inner anxious dialogues and insecurities. He was sitting on the tip of his bed, looking serious, but with that same usual smile he'd always carry whenever they were together. </p><p>"What?! Uh, sorry. Sorry", he answered, scratching his hair, anxiously. So, his thoughts hadn't gone unnoticed. </p><p>"Come here, sit. We can talk it through, if you want. Or we can just kiss, and leave it at that. I don't mind it in the least", Kaworu said, tapping his bed, indicating the free space. Shinji took a deep breath, thinking about the options, and sat. He remained silent for a bit, just holding hands with the other boy. He couldn't help but think about his impression of him when they were at the movies, half an hour ago; comforting. It was, indeed, the best word to describe him. <em> He'll understand me, won't he? He's heard me before, talking about even more idiotic insecurities.  </em></p><p>"I got nervous because Asuka said something to me before leaving", he finally let out, embarrassed that he was blaming it on her. It was half true. He was already thinking about the subject when they'd left the pool. </p><p>"Do you want to tell me what she said?", Kaworu asked, looking at him, understanding, always understanding. <em> His eyes are the same color as Rei's, but, somehow, his look warm all over, while Rei's are often cold or distant. When he looks at me, I feel important. </em></p><p>"She mocked me about, um, condoms. She said I should make you wear one now", he said in such a low voice that he feared he would have to repeat it, since Kaworu probably hadn't heard. But he gave a low laugh, indicating he'd understood. </p><p>"That's something Asuka would say. She probably didn't mean harm, since it was good advice", Kaworu answered, composed as always. For the thousandth time, his tranquility served as Shinji's own medicine. "You must be thinking a million things in that pretty little head, but, hey, quit it. Neither of us needs to do anything unless they want and feel ready to. You just have to tell me what's your limit, I'll tell you mine, and everyone gets happy". <em> Was it... this easy?  </em></p><p>"Oh... This was better than I expected it to be. Thank you, Kaworu-kun. Can we just kiss, for now?", he whispered, satisfied. Kaworu nodded, truly smiling, and came closer to him. </p><p>His heartbeats slowed down at once. Without a thought, he threw himself in Kaworu's lap, trying to give a hug but ultimately just making both of them fall back into the bed. Laughing, he sat in Nagisa's belly, leaning down to land a kiss that led to another, and so on. <em> I still can't believe my luck. </em></p><p>Hours later, when they were just cuddling in a spoon and talking about random subjects that popped in their minds, the two remaining roommates opened the door. Needless to say how Kensuke pulled his phone at once to take a picture, laughing, saying he would use it as proof whenever Shinji would try to change the topic, and Touji almost fainted. Kaworu left the explaining to Ikari, who had no choice but say that he couldn't deny they were, in fact, romantically involved. Well, he wouldn't be able to cover the spooning. Friends don't usually do that. </p><p>"So, Ikari, you're gay? Or, are you like, bissexual, or maybe pan?", Touji asked, curious. Different from what Shinji first thought, he didn't look mad. He looked almost relieved. <em> Oh, that's right, he's in love with Hikari. He must've thought Kaworu-kun was competition before. And he knows a lot of names from the LGBTQIA+ community. That's a surprise, too.  </em></p><p>"I'm gay. I'm sorry for hiding it. I wasn't sure how you guys would react... You're the first people from NERV, aside from Kaworu-kun, of course, that know about this. But it was different with Kaworu-kun, since he likes dudes, too", Shinji answered, feeling a weight leave his shoulders. It was terrifying to be so open, but it was nice. Holding secrets about who he was didn't make him feel any better. </p><p>"Well, you only say that because you never asked me and Kensuke, either. We’re both bissexual", Touji declared, leaving him and Kaworu wide-mouthed.</p><p>"Did you know about this, Kaworu-kun?", Shinji asked, mesmerized. The boy looked at him, as surprised, and gave a negative nod. </p><p>"Two years ago, me and Touji dated for a few months. Well, we work out better as friends, so we left it at that, right, bro?", Kensuke spoke, laughing. Touji nodded, and they did a long handshake that was typical of best friends. <em>So much for straight friends, ha!</em></p><p>"What about you, Nagisa? You're a walking mystery. Do you like girls, too?", Touji asked.</p><p>Kaworu looked surprised that Touji had actually spoken to him without the slightest irony or hatred. He put a hand to his lip, thinking, unconsciously mimicking the gesture Hikari also did when she was lost in thoughts. </p><p>"I've always thought of myself as gay. I've never dated women or taken a lot of interest in them. But, I realized just now, that if Shinji was a girl, I would like him the same way I do now. So, pansexual? Bi? I guess I'll just call myself queer”, he answered with a shy smile. Shinji couldn’t help it; he grabbed Kaworu by the waist to steal a kiss from him. How could he be so romantic and smooth at it at the same time? Not fair. Perfect boy. Beautiful boy. </p><p>“You’re so sweet it leaves a sickening taste of sugar in my mouth, ugh. Well, just don’t do it when we’re in the room, please. Or maybe just do it in silence, if we’re asleep. I really don’t want to witness it”, Touji declared, and hugged both of them quickly. He was a nice guy, after all. </p><p>“Thanks, Touji. Thanks, Kensuke”, Shinji said at last, with a honest smile. His heart was used to crazy laps whenever he thought about telling his “secret” to anyone else, thanks to his dad’s previous scandal when he came out. But now it’d been so good. Better than he’d dared hope for. </p><p>“It’s not a big deal, Shinji boy. Go back to doing whatever you two were doing. I’m gonna play videogames with Touji”, Kensuke answered. <em> It’s not a big deal. Yeah, it wasn’t. I never realized how much I needed to hear this from a friend. Yet, I always denied friendships, not wanting to get close. NERV really did something. And Kaworu, of course.  </em></p><p>“I can’t deny something Kensuke has asked me. Come on”, Shinji spoke, giving a little laugh as he guided Kaworu towards the bed so they could cuddle again.</p><p>“You do know we have practice tomorrow, right? We have practice until our presentation on Wednesday”, Kaworu asked Shinji, while delicately playing with his hair. </p><p>“I know. I feel like we’re gonna rock the living shit out of it”.</p><p>“Of course we will. Nothing we do together could possibly go wrong”.</p><p>“Not even swimming went wrong, and I’m a dead weight”.</p><p>“You’re not a dead weight. I loved carrying you around…”.</p><p>“You perv. Was it all a big excuse to get your pianist hands on me?”.</p><p>“Pianist hands (chuckles), that’s a good one. No. I really do care about your fear of water”.</p><p>“You care so much that you made me panic”.</p><p>“It was under control; I was holding you pretty tight. I admit to liking that a bit more than a <em> friend </em>normally would”.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m talking about that! You made me gay panic, Kaworu-kun, that’s what I mean”.</p><p>“You made me gay panic at the movies, so we’re even. Kiss me, if you will”.</p><p>“Idiot. Alright”.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>here we are again &lt;3 i get sad thinking that the more i write, the closer to an ending i come. if i were to choose, i'd just write this fic forever, describing every date, every kiss, every hug, because i'm REAL kawoshin trash, but, hey, it's alright. i wasn't too inspired this week bc of a lot of stuff happening in my personal life, but i liked writing about their little date and interactions. anyways, i'm talking too much. next chapter, they'll present their gay duo and i'll give asuka and mari focus :) hope it's not too bad, lol, i'm insecure (txs for the positive feedback i've been getting!! love u guys, really, i keep posting bc of that)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. What else would I possibly desire to look at?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Looks like we’re finally done, love. Wednesday came faster than expected”, Kaworu declared as he played the final note on his piano. Shinji got up from his seat, carefully resting the cello on the floor so he could go towards Kaworu and sit on his lap. The boy received him with a bright smile and a blush. </p><p>“Finally. I was already getting tired of spending all my afternoons practicing with someone as boring as you”, Shinji answered in a playful voice as he put his hands in his partner’s soft hair, drawing lazy circles.  </p><p>“Has someone ever told you you’re a terrible liar?”, Kaworu whispered as he leaned in for a kiss. Shinji leaned in, too, and they stayed that way for a good time, unconcerned about anything. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and they broke apart with a scare. <em> Shit</em>. </p><p>“Are you boys ready?”, the teacher’s voice could be heard from the other side. So much for a break before the concert. Kaworu usually took some time alone before playing the piano so he could empty his mind from any thoughts or concerns and get relaxed. <em> I think this was better usage of my time, though, even if I got aroused instead of relaxed.  </em></p><p>“Yes, sure”, Kaworu replied in a whisper of a voice, trying to go back to his usually composed posture. It was so easy to lose it with Shinji, and so good. </p><p>Shinji was already up, walking his way back to his seat, when Kaworu pulled him back by the hand. “We got this. Trust me. Trust yourself”, he declared with a kind smile before the door opened and the teacher walked in. He got a blushed smile in response before their hands broke apart and Shinji took his seat. The teacher, Maya, looked at them with a curious glance and took her seat in a chair next to the door, where she’d have a good vision of the two of them. </p><p>“Shall we?”, she asked; a sign for them to get started. Just as they’d practiced time and time again, Kaworu’s piano opened the song with a soft, almost sweet melody. Shinji didn’t have to look at the woman to know she was already mesmerized. No matter how many times he’d heard his partner playing, it never failed to amuse him in levels so deep that he was even shy of saying. <em> His gift is a song that touches the soul</em>. Following up, his cello hit a deep note, taking up the protagonism for a while, before the piano matched his rhythm. As usual, his eyes were closed while playing. He already knew where everything was. He was confident, not only on himself, but on Kaworu, too. </p><p>Their synchrony was perfect; that had been clear in different manners. Kissing him was, on a deep level, the same as playing with him, and talking to him, and just <em> being </em> with him. He’d found out, in one of their rehearsals, that if he imagined their duet as an extension of them, no matter how distracted he was, or how bad he thought he sounded, the song came out clean and beautiful. He would never say it aloud, but it was no longer Rei and Yui’s smiles and praises he’d eagerly wait for after a rendition. It was Kaworu’s. Him, his kind eyes, his beautiful face, his soft touches, that little change in his body’s posture when he leaned in to give him a kiss. </p><p>Maya couldn’t help but let out a series of impressed “oh!” as the two played, so terribly involved that a bomb could have landed nearby and they would still be louder than it. She’d worked with music all of her life, and no one had ever impressed her more than Kaworu Nagisa. His sheer natural talent, how perfect his hands were for the piano, how <em> entirely </em> fitting for the instrument he was. What a beautiful boy, in so many ways. </p><p>Now, as she saw him in a duet for the first time ever [Kaworu had never agreed to play with someone else, unless there were <em> at least </em> two other instruments involved], she could tell what was missing this whole time, and she never would have noticed, unless she’d seen this exact concert. It was Shinji Ikari. His cello was impressive. From what Nagisa had told her in their brief exchange, he hadn’t played for a long time and wished to get back, and Maya should take his word on how much talent he had. Of course she trusted Nagisa’s word; the boy had never recognized anyone else’s talent. A bit arrogant, if you will, but still a priceless natural. And, yes, Ikari had more potential than a lot of people she’d seen, but she could immediately tell what was going on. What was truly special about him. </p><p>They were a piece. It was rare to find two people who could synchronise so well, and they did. Kaworu played beautifully alone. With Shinji, his skills went to a whole other level. He looked five thousand times happier at doing it; she could almost picture a halo of light around him. From where Maya stood, she could perfectly see the blush in both their cheeks, their smiles. Shinji’s eyes were closed; she knew just who the boy might be picturing. She had done that herself, multiple times, dreaming about Ritsuko as she played. The face of a loved one gives you so much emotion to put into the song. </p><p>Kaworu’s eyes never closed during any performance; she was observant of things like that, and this time, they remained open, too. The thing was, he kept looking back, to stare at Ikari. He did it with such will. From an outsider’s point of view, it was almost as if he needed to make sure he was still there, but she knew there was more than just making sure. <em> He looks because what his eyes see are what his heart is putting into the piano</em>. <em> His stares give him away so easily; he’s not even trying to cover it up. I should have guessed right away, when I walked in and saw how they were holding hands.  </em></p><p>Shinji breathed out, letting his final note go, feeling at once an overwhelming sense of completeness and happiness. A few seconds later, Kaworu played his final note, too, holding back a tear as it vanished in the air. He’d never played with so many feelings coming up his throat. He couldn’t help but remember Rei singing in the karaoke. Maya’s clapping brought both of the boys to reality. They stared at her, then at themselves, a shy smile peeking up from their faces. </p><p>“You guys… this was amazing, I’ve never seen anything like it. Ikari-kun, you’re obviously in. Nagisa-kun, maybe we should discuss the possibility of you doing more duos, huh? I really think you shined differently playing with him…”, Maya declared, smiling. Shinji received the news with a happy yelp, which he felt embarrassed of, but barely had the time to. Kaworu was already at his side, arms open, inviting him to a hug. He let himself inside his arms, heart beating so fast he thought everyone in the room could hear. Shinji let his face rest on the curve of Kaworu’s neck, leaving a quick kiss there. He could hear Nagisa dry swallowing, could feel his skin prickle, and knew he should pull away. They weren’t alone <em>yet</em>.</p><p>Kaworu coughed, trying to make his voice sound normal, “Thank you so much, Maya-sensei. I definitely want to do more duos with Shinji-kun. He brings out the best in me, as you surely noticed”. </p><p>“I would have noticed even if I were deaf and blind, Nagisa-kun. I’ll leave you two alone, now, so you can properly rest. Next Wednesday, after lunch, I’ll wait for the two of you. Make sure to lock the room in your way out”, Maya declared with a playful smile when she spoke the word <em>rest</em>, and left the room. Well, that was quick!</p><p>“We rocked the living shit out of it, didn’t we? Just as we’d planned”, Shinji approached Kaworu again to properly hug him. </p><p>“I wish you could have seen just how beautiful you looked”, the pale boy answered, looking down. For the first time, he sounded timid. But, how could it be? Shinji confirmed his suspicions when Kaworu hugged him back a little tighter than usual and his trembling arms encircled his waist. Not only trembling arms, but shuddering breaths. </p><p>“What? Were you staring at me?”, Shinji asked, jitters all over his stomach with the thought. Fuck, he should have opened his eyes, too, and stared at the beautiful piano player, instead of just imagining kisses and what else. </p><p>“What else would I possibly desire to look at?”, Kaworu answered, and proceeded to land a kiss in Shinji’s mouth, open due to the surprise. He answered to the kiss, sliding his tongue inside the boy’s mouth; it was warm. It still never failed to amaze him just how hot Kaworu felt, everywhere, despite his cold appearance. </p><hr/><p>Six weeks went by. Tests came and went, taking Asuka to new stress levels, never previously reached. She could always be found at the school’s library, by the very hidden section, alone. Her headphones played a loop of “Oh No!” by Marina &amp;The Diamonds. “Cuz I feel like I’m the worst, so I always act like I’m the best”. Those lyrics had hit deep from the very first time she’d listened to the song. Weirdly enough, they’d become an anthem, especially when she was in for something. Studying, mostly. </p><p>Conciliating her duties with Ritsuko, in the afternoons, with every task and assignment the teachers gave, was hard. Failing wasn’t an option, tho. She’d come to rely more and more on Mari with the passing of time; the girl was, maybe, the only one who could understand her perfectly. The time they spent waiting for Ritsuko to arrive in class turned from an exchange of casual chats about the weather to offers of help with homework, to evolving into real conversation. They still had a few competitions between them, of course; who could guess more questions correctly, who scored better in tests. It felt more like a tradition than something she took seriously. Truth was, she couldn’t feel anything negative towards Mari, not anymore. </p><p>Now, almost two months after she and her friends joined NERV, she was laying in her bed, headphones on, trying to relax. Math tests were the worst, and they’d been through a tough one. Rei wasn’t very stressed; she was naturally good at the subject, and school went through her like a breeze. Shinji didn’t have it in his heart to think about anything that wasn’t Kaworu Nagisa. Were they officially dating? Asuka would have to ask, later, now that the tests were finally done, at least for a month. She’d been a really absent friend lately, but Shinji surely understood. Well, he probably didn’t even mind it. When they got breakfast, the only period aside from lunch when they could truly get together, his eyes were only on his man.</p><p>They were always hugging, holding hands, kissing. Kaworu would probably lose his hands if he ever took them out from Shinji’s waist. Shinji would probably lose his ass if he pulled it away from Kaworu’s lap. So much for keeping a secret. The whole school whispered about them all the time. It seemed like it was their favorite subject; it never left people’s mouth. Because of how little Kaworu and Shinji seemed to care about what was whispered about them, the rumours only grew and grew. Asuka once heard, while walking down a corridor, that they fucked in the music room, every Wednesday after practice. Well, it didn’t sound too absurd. If only Shinji-kun weren’t such a virgin… Or not? One more thing to ask. Although she probably would have already known, even if she was busy. Shinji and Rei had been the first people she’d talked to, when she lost her virginity, so it was only fair they did the same. </p><p>“Hey. Hey. Anyone home?”, Asuka opened her closed eyes to find Mari staring at her, looking just as tired as she surely looked, too. <em> Good to know I’m not alone </em>. </p><p>“What is it, Mari-chan?”, she questioned, wanting to go back to her music. The Smiths were such a comfort. </p><p>“Are you okay?”. Wow. What a surprising question. </p><p>“Wanna know the truth or pretty words?”.</p><p>“Whatever you feel like telling, princess”. Princess? Had she eaten something rotten? Her stomach felt all weird; as if she were anxious, in a good way. Huh. </p><p>“I feel like shit. I want to keep my grades high to a point that makes it unbearable for me to do anything other than study. I miss going out with Rei and Shinji to do stupid stuff. I feel bad for not knowing exactly how they’re doing, even if they surely understand why I’ve been practically missing these few weeks. Now, tests are over, but it’ll just repeat when they start again. How do you manage life? You seem to have so much more time than me…”, Asuka blurted out, speaking more than she’d done in a long time. Mari stared at her with understanding eyes. The girl looked at her bed, and back at her, silently asking if she could sit there. Asuka nodded. It was just the two of them in the room, as it seemed. She hadn’t even noticed Hikari and Rei leaving. Were they in town, maybe? It <em> was </em> a Friday night. If yes, why hadn’t she been invited? A quick flashback of her denying going out for the past three weeks came in her mind. <em> Oh, that’s why </em>. </p><p>“Has anyone ever told you you put too much pressure into yourself, princess?”, Mari asked, facing her directly. Her glasses lenses reflected a tired face that Asuka recognized as her own; bags under her eyes, oily messy hair. Ugly. </p><p>“Someone has to do it”, Asuka answered with a hiss, thinking back to her mindless mother. If she were ever to rely on that woman’s opinion, she would already be out of school and pregnant with her second baby. It was just like that. Asuka having a future or not depended entirely on herself. </p><p>“Stop acting like you have to rule the world as a teenager. No one expects that much”.</p><p>“It’s not about ruling the world, Mari-chan. It’s about not ending up as useless as my mom”.</p><p>“Even if you failed every class, I would never think you to be useless. You’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met”.</p><p>“You’re just being kind. I only look nice. I’m actually just working my ass off to do the minimum”. </p><p>“Being number one in our class is doing the minimum? Gosh, the rest of us are fucked, then. You must consider me a loser”.</p><p>“Hey, stop it. Don’t put yourself down. You’re greater than me”.</p><p>“I’m only doing what you do to yourself. You know, I used to behave like that, before I met Hikari-chan. We’re not as close as she is to Nagisa-kun, but we still have our moments. She was the one to tell me that if I weren’t able to tell her the things I tell myself, then I shouldn’t think those things at all”.</p><p>“That’s… actually good advice”.</p><p>“Of course it is. Hikari’s a genius. I would only tell you the best, just like you deserve”.</p><p>“You think I deserve the best?”.</p><p>“Yes, and you should do it, too. Stop overwhelming yourself. I’ll help you study whenever you need, and you should go back to going out with us, too. It’ll be better than to stay in and listen to depressing music as a form of relaxation”.</p><p>“How’d you know? The Smiths are really good entertainment, you know”.</p><p>“I know because I’ve been there, idiot. We can still enjoy our Friday night. Get up”, Mari declared, playfully touching Asuka’s long hair; messing it a bit more. </p><p>“Hey… How are they doing? Shinji and Kaworu”, Asuka asked with a bit of shiness. She should have known the answer. Mari, though, was so simple to understand and talk to. She didn’t judge. Sometimes it felt easier to be with her than with Rei. No cryptic expressions. Just simple smiles.</p><p>“Shinji, for a lack of a better term, is gay as fuck. Just as Kaworu. I’ll give it a couple of weeks before he puts a ring in Shinji’s finger. From what Hikari tells me, she’s never seen her bestie so happy. I’ve entered the music room a few times when their group was practicing so I could see them play together. They <em> really </em> are something!”, Mari answered with a wide smile as she noticed the news settling in Asuka’s less troubled mind. </p><p>“Thanks, Mari-chan. You’re a great friend. Let’s go out, then”, Asuka declared, knowing she was fucked as the word friend left her mouth and she immediately thought;<em> Oh, that’s not right. I wish I could put girl in front of it.  </em></p><hr/><p>“Is that… Asuka, you bitch! I can’t believe you actually came!”, Shinji screamed as he saw the two girls coming in through the bar’s door. Asuka looked around; it was a nice spot. Usually, the places that give booze to minors didn’t look as good. Personal experience. Mari had told her on their way about the bar, popular amongst the students. Oof, it had been a long time since she’d done this sort of thing. Right before the three of them left to NERV. </p><p>She could already tell Shinji was a bit tipsy, since he screamed her name, and was happily walking towards them. Kaworu was shamelessly staring at his ass with a drunkish smile, and Touji was <em> actually </em> kissing Hikari. Gosh, what a circus. </p><p>“Hey, babe. Looks like you guys already had some”, Asuka replied, hugging Shinji. She could faintly smell beer and vodka. </p><p>“Oh, yeah, I’m done already. We don’t want to get back drunk to school”, he replied with a crooked smile. Asuka hugged him again. “I missed you, idiot. Tell me later about a certain guy that keeps constantly staring at your ass”.</p><p>“A guy…? Oh, Kaworu-kun, you perv!”, Shinji turned around, laughing, and walked back to his chair beside Nagisa. They were now whispering about something; Shinji had a blush, Nagisa had a sly smile. It was weird, how her heart missed a few beats. For the first time, she was ready to admit her defeat. She <em> did </em> want to have the same intimacy they had, with a girl. Not just any girl, either. The girl in question, Mari, took her by the arm and guided them towards the table where the rest of their group was. </p><p>Kensuke waved her a hi. He and Rei were sober, he mentioned. Someone had to look out over the rest; especially Touji, who very much enjoyed vodka. </p><p>“We’ll only get passed out drunk by the end of the year, after the school’s ball”, Kensuke explained with a wicked smile. That got Shinji’s attention. He turned around, and asked what exactly that was. “Not a big deal. NERV likes to end our school year by promoting this huge ass party. It’s really cool, but the after-party is crazy. It’s tradition”.     </p><p>At that point, Mari and Asuka had already ordered two shots of vodka each; the bartender delivered it at their table. They clapped the glasses together and drank it down in a gulp. </p><p>“Wow, princess, you’re strong!”, Mari exclaimed, laughing. </p><p>“I could say the same about you, Mari-chan”, Asuka replied, inching their faces close. The music was loud in the bar, which gave her a semi-excuse to do it, but, really, it was just the alcohol that hadn’t even hit in giving her the courage. </p><p>They stared at each other for a couple of seconds before turning away with a shy smile. <em> Oh, that’s right, Mari-chan doesn’t know I’m a lesbian… </em></p><p>That problem was solved after the shots kicked in. Asuka made a point on telling the whole group about how she loved women, because women were so great, and, have I ever said that I’m single, just waiting for a girl? That got good laughs off Kaworu. He told her he related to her when he was trying to make Shinji know he liked dudes, and, specifically, him. After that, they were out of the table, because Shinji needed him to “go order a drink with him”. Funny how the bathroom was now where you ordered drinks. Shortly after, Touji and Hikari got up, too, openly admitting they were walking back to NERV so they could use that room with a pool that Hikari and Kaworu had access to. </p><p>The conversation between Rei, Asuka, Mari and Kensuke didn’t last a lot, either. Rei rarely ever noticed her surroundings, but, this blessed time, she did, and pulled Kensuke with her to another table, far away from the girls. </p><p>“Princess, are you trying to make out with me?”, Mari blatantly asked as soon as they were left alone. They were sitting one in front of each other, so Mari stretched her hands through the table until she could hold Asuka’s. <em> Is she being this upfront about it?! Well, I’m not getting behind. She won’t win this one. </em></p><p>“Smart of you to notice, Mari-chan. You never let me down”, Asuka answered with a fierce smile, pressing their hands tightly. Beneath the bar’s dim light, Mari’s features looked rather mysterious and inviting. The vodka had almost left her, already. She was in for some, and would have to use her courage. </p><p>“I did better than you, apparently. It’s been weeks and you only reciprocated me now”, Mari declared with a pout. Weeks?! </p><p>“Mari… Really?”.</p><p>“Yes, really, princess”.</p><p>“I think we should solve our situation at once”. Asuka got up from the table, leaving her credit card there; she signaled to Rei, at the back, and the girl understood what that meant. Thankfully, Rei knew the password. Perks of being childhood besties. Mari opened her wallet and left the right amount of money. </p><p>“Where are we going, then?”, Mari questioned as they left the bar, holding hands. </p><p>“Isn’t it obvious? Our room”. </p><hr/><p>The ride back to NERV wasn’t empty of entertainment. On the bus, the girls sat at the back, and kissed right at once. Why wait? Asuka could feel her body react at Mari’s slightest touch; when she touched her hair, when she laid her hands at her thighs. <em>Thank God I love women, not men…! </em>Getting back to the dorm was funny; they turned it into a competition. Who could walk the fastest without actually running? Asuka won that one. Who could act more normal to the students walking by? Mari won that. Who could resist kissing for longer? None of them made it to that one.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi, again! this chapter was so much fun to write, but so hard. at a certain point, i "accidentaly" writed a smut scene for kaworu and shinji and had to completely put it away because i felt like it just wasn't the moment yet (in the draft, it would be right after maya left the room; it wasn't anything too radical, bc shinji's a bit of an insecure guy, which is fine... i'll probably insert the scene in the next chapter, though). asuka and mari are my otp, and, um, i'm a lesbian, so writing them is so much fun. i rarely give them focus bc i am REAL kawoshin trash and already write so much that i think the chapters would turn into a bible each if i wrote everything i wanted lol i hope u enjoy this lil gay chapter &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Your words always sound pretty to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hikari’s face twisted into an irritated expression. Couldn’t he at least fake attention to what she was saying about her family? Just a look and a nod would be alright. Maybe even that had become too much for Kaworu after he’d met Shinji. She and Nagisa had been friends for enough time for her to notice the small, gradual changes. In that first week, it was him waiting for Ikari so they could have breakfast together. He was just taking up some interest. Then he sat with him in Kaji-sensei's class and things went south. They’d gotten together so damn fast! Soulmates, Mari had whispered once. Did she believe in that sort of stuff? Looking at the pair of idiots, it was hard not to.</p><p>Now, two months later, on one of the rare occasions in which she could be alone with him in the cafeteria [Ikari’s dad had come to visit and they were out on the town], he was too busy grasping at his notebook as if it were his last hope to even look at her. <em> Shinji, what sort of spell have you cast?  </em></p><p>“Hey, handsome. Handsome. Kaw. Kaworu. Nagisa. Kaworu Nagisa”, Hikari started saying, trying to draw his attention. It was sort of funny how not even that had gotten him to look. He was staring hard at an open page in the notebook, his pale face a bit red. <em> I know just what to say for him to look. </em>“Shinji-kun, what happened? Oh, God!”, she exclaimed in a worried voice to no one. Kaworu looked up immediately and started looking around, desperate. </p><p>When he saw no one but them, he looked at Hikari, an ironic smile, “I hope you had your laughs, Hikari-chan. That was a good one”. He closed his notebook, getting a last glimpse of his most recent sketch of Shinji in it. Maybe he had deserved that trick. He hadn’t exactly been really focused on anything lately. Not unless they had blue eyes and a shy smile. For the past few minutes, he’d been worrying about how Shinji and Rei must be doing, alone with Gendo. Their disgust for him had gotten to Kaworu eventually. Hard not to. Such a jerk.</p><p>“Did you hear a single word of what I was telling you about for the past fifteen minutes?”, Hikari questioned, upset. He looked down, and gave a negative nod. “Alright, let it go. It was just me complaining about my rude cousins, as usual. What’s going on with you?”. </p><p>Kaworu took a long look at her before answering, “Do you remember, maybe a year ago, when we were in this exact spot, eating fries, and Touji walked us by?”.</p><p>Intrigued, she answered, “Of course. I got so red that I thought he and half the school would notice. Well, it was all pretty fresh back then. I’d just started liking him. Why do you ask?”.</p><p>He took an uninterested bite of the now cold sandwich he’d brought before answering, “Because back then I asked you what made you take such interest in a dork like him. - Hikari gave him an ugly look - Don’t kill me, I’ve already changed my mind. Well, thing is, you told me it wasn’t easy to explain, it wasn’t math, something like that. And then you asked me what made <em> me </em> interested in a guy”. </p><p>“Oh, I remember that, right. You didn’t answer me back then, though. Is that why you brought this up? You finally got around to it?”, she questioned, curiosity getting the best of her. It wasn’t just her. Everyone was dying to know whether they were truly a thing. Usually, Nagisa’s affairs hadn’t lasted more than two months, so Ikari was still on thin ice. Theoretically. She could tell there was more. Way more.  </p><p>“You made me think for days, back then. What did I like in a guy? It was so hard. I thought about the guys I’d been with that far, all of them at least a year older than me, because I’d had hopes of them being more mature, which was not a thing, obviously. But none of them had anything for me to like about. I was just satisfying myself with them for a while before it got too serious and I said goodbye”, he said, sincere. “Then I thought maybe I would find the answer by taking notes of what I did not like. And after that, what I truly wanted would be clear”.</p><p>Kaworu paused for a second, to open his notebook again. Its pages were almost all occupied, and the latest ones had only one face in them. Sometimes two, when he felt like drawing them together. But usually he preferred to give all of his focus to Shinji. It had been hard to draw him at first, he remembered clearly. The drawings were confusing at first, not really getting any of the features right, but he hadn’t given up. Whenever he got the chance, whenever he knew there were no curious eyes upon him, he grabbed the notebook and practiced. </p><p>He’d started with his hands. Those had been the first part of him he’d been truly in touch with. In the music room. When he’d been alone by his piano. In the days when he still was a lonely player. The hands were easy. The details were vivid. He kept grabbing them, at first telling himself he was only studying their particularities so the drawing would be perfect, then, later, in his second attempt, he already knew those excuses were as flat as his attempts at drawing Shinji in his entirety.</p><p>On the same day he got the hands to be perfect, they kissed. What now? How could he possibly finish a stupid drawing of him standing, as boring as anything, when there was so much new images in his mind he could use? That he was urging to use? He ripped the page off and used a new one to draw his face, giving extra detail to his mouth. The eyes were the last he got around to. They were too hard. Just as in the day in which they’d met, in the school’s hall, they were always filled with too many emotions. With depth. All an artist could possibly want, really. When he finished them, he was already too lost to find his way back. </p><p>He closed the notebook again, having already seen what he wanted, “I now know what, no, who, I want. Who I like. Who I desire. There were no names before. I just wished for a someone who didn’t treat me like glass, and could rock my bases. Someone who could seriously talk to me about music and also laugh at stupid pointless things. Someone who saw me for who I really am, aside from my outside facade, and who let themselves be seen, too. Someone with a heart full of soul”. </p><p>Hikari blinked, astonished. That was not the same boy who’d listened to that trivial and banal question a year ago. This one had thought deeply about it, because he was…</p><p>“I’m in love, Hikari-chan. Deeply, intensely, genuinely”. </p><hr/><p>“I thought the night would never end”, Shinji cried out to Rei the second after Gendo’s car disappeared from their sight. His sister let out a tired laugh and led the two of them inside NERV. It was already past ten p.m. by an hour, but the school let you stay out if you were accompanied by one of your legal guardians. Which right now felt like a curse. If they’d gotten that extra hour apart from Gendo… Oh, what a dream.</p><p>“Come on, he wasn’t terrible tonight. He even made the effort of faking interest in your personal life”, Rei answered. Shinji’s father had actually asked if he had any <em> girlfriends </em> yet. Even after his son coming out as gay a year ago. He kept pretending it was a phase. </p><p>“Yeah, and he almost burst out a vessel while at it. Especially because he noticed I’m wearing an earring. He looked at me, surely thinking <em> I am </em> someone’s girlfriend”, Shinji declared with a laugh. He carefully touched his left ear, where a small silver hoop earring was. Kaworu’s gift. <em> I meant it when I said you’d look even prettier wearing something there. </em> The first gift they’d exchanged. Saying he’d felt happy with it was a bad understatement. He’d never taken it off ever since. Not even with his father’s visit. <em> A risk worth taking.  </em></p><p>“And are you? Someone’s girlfriend, I mean”, Rei asked in a playful tone. She rarely joked around, but when it was just the two of them, she sometimes let that shine through. Shinji laughed at her question before seriously thinking about the answer. No, not someone’s girlfriend, definitely. Boyfriend, however, was a whole other topic. <em> Were </em> they boyfriends? Do you have to formally ask, even nowadays? <em> Well, I would really like it.  </em></p><p>“No, I don’t think so, unfortunately”, he answered, shrugging. Rei looked at him with a curious glance. They were about to enter the door that led them to the corridor where the dorms were, but she pushed him before he could reach it, then guided him to the benches on the patio. They were past curfew, but no one really cared. The hallway inspectors and the janitor were probably off doing something more interesting than watching out for kids on a Tuesday.  </p><p>“What’s up with that? I thought you were a, what do people call it, oh, yes, a piece”, she asked. He touched the earring again. A <em> piece </em> . Maya-sensei kept calling them that, but of course it was by musical standards. However, Kaworu had never disagreed. No, it was the opposite way. He always made a point of agreeing. <em> Does that extend outside of music? </em></p><p>“We never really talked about naming what we have. We do everything that boyfriends do, well, maybe not everything yet, but that’s a whole other subject. Anyways, we’ve even agreed on not going out with other people anymore. We’re exclusive. What’s the next step? I’ve never done this before”, Shinji answered, suddenly anxious. </p><p>“Don’t look at me, then. I have even less experience than you. You should be talking to Asuka”, Rei answered. Talk to Asuka. Huh. He nodded and grabbed his phone from the jacket’s pocket. “What, you’re calling her now?”. Shinji nodded again and motioned for her to be quiet. He pressed Asuka’s number, and it rang once, twice, before she picked up.</p><p>“What in the fuck could you possibly call me over at eleven p.m. on a Tuesday, you idiot? Did Nagisa just pop your cherry or something like that?”, she answered, practically screaming, and Shinji j<em>ust knew</em> all the other girls in the dorm had heard her. Hikari was now in a frenzy in the background, screaming ‘What?’ repeatedly.  </p><p>“Could you not scream? No. It’s not about that”, he replied, embarrassed. A sudden silence was heard through the other side of the call. Asuka was probably gesturing a no to the girls.</p><p>“Well, spit it out, then. You just had me concerned for half a second here. I was about to ask you if he-”, Asuka started saying before getting cut in half by Shinji, “Do you think we’re boyfriends?”. Silence again. Then a bit of laughter that she tried to cover up. </p><p>“Why are you calling me to ask that? I’m not Kaworu Nagisa, as far as I’m concerned. He’s the only one who can properly answer you, loser. I’m hanging off now, if that’s what this was about. Text me if you need anything else and we’ll talk tomorrow. Bye bye”, with that, the call ended. Shinji stood with his phone on his hands, just staring at Rei, who looked puzzled. He told her what their friend had said. </p><p>“It makes sense. Are you scared of what he’ll answer?”, she questioned, looking at his panicked expression. He noticed what she was seeing; his hands messing his own hair over and over. </p><p>“Rei… Can I tell you something? But you can’t tell Asuka yet. I think she’d laugh at me”, Shinji whispered, taking his hands off his hair and joining them in a nervous grip. His sister motioned a yes with her head, and extended her pinky finger. “I pinky promise”. He smiled and pinky promised too. Reminiscences of their childhood. </p><p>“I’ve known for a while now… But I’ve kept it to myself, because I don’t want to pressure him into corresponding that. He’ll do it in his time. And if not, that’s just something else for me to cry about”, Shinji declared with an ironic smile. Rei had a clue of what he was about to say. “I’m not good with words as he is. I’m sure he’d find a poetic way of saying it, you know, Rei? It would sound like he was quoting a romantic poet. But my way is simple and real. I’ve fallen hard for him. I don’t just <em> like </em> him anymore. I <em> really </em> love him”.</p><hr/><p>“Are you two staying in late today?”, Maya asked, leaned against the wall as most of the music students left the room. Kaworu and Shinji, however, hadn’t even started to gather their stuff to leave, so she knew it must be one of those days. She really was a nice teacher for not ratting them out, for whatever they did in there. At least there never was a mess, and that was the only thing she cared about. She had also been a teenager once, so to hell with it. </p><p>“Yes, sensei. I’ll lock the door when we leave”, Nagisa replied with an earnest smile. The teacher nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door on her way out. </p><p>“Why are we staying late, Kaworu-kun?”, Shinji questioned. The boy had warned him about those plans in the middle of the class, without further explaining. “Do you have a thing for making out in the music room?”. </p><p>Kaworu answered, laughing, “Don’t tell anyone about my thing, alright? I’m just messing around, though. I wanted us to try and rehearse a new piece I found, that’s what this is about”. Shinji’s face twitched for a fraction of a second when the boy said <em> piece</em>, remembering his conversation with Rei in the previous night; he nodded, however. </p><p>“Can you please grab my notebook in my bag? The one I use to write down about music. And open it in one of the last pages. You’re closer to it than me”, Kaworu asked, pointing to the bag right beside Shinji’s seat. He proceeded to do as told. </p><p>Without really paying attention, he grabbed the first notebook that looked the right size. Shinji thought it was weird how stuffed the thing was, but didn’t give it a second thought. Then he did it. He opened it in one of the latest pages. Only to find himself. Or, rather, a drawing of him. He gasped in surprise. He was conscious that Kaworu probably noticed and would probably show up by his side in one second, but he didn’t care about it. His fingers crazily flipped through the worn-out pages, finding portrait after portrait of him, all of them mixing up due to how fast he was trying to take them all in. </p><p>“Shinji-kun… I…”. Kaworu walked over to his side, worry and embarrassment in his voice. His fingers carefully touched Shinji’s, where they lay on the edge of a drawing of the two of them in the pool, a few moments before their first kiss, looking deeply into each other’s eyes. </p><p>“Is that how you see me, Kaworu-kun?”, was the only thing he commented. His eyes were fixated on the pages he kept flipping through, never settling down at any specific portrait. Kaworu sighed and sat on the floor, right in front of Shinji’s armchair. Even though his glance wasn’t returned, he stared at the boy before answering, “Do you hate me for it?”. </p><p>To that, Shinji finally looked up, brows furrowing, “Hate you? Why would I? These look so… beautiful. I look so pretty. You portrayed me in a way I never thought anyone would ever”. </p><p>A weight was removed from his chest. He exhaled and hoisted himself up to the chair in which Shinji was sat at, resting his head in his shoulder. “I didn’t change a single thing. I draw what I see”. He looked down to the sketchbook. Oh, it was that one. Shinji playing.</p><p>“For how long?”, Ikari whispered, his hands looking for his partner’s. </p><p>“Since I first saw you. You were a real challenge for me at first. But it was all worth it. I can’t seem to draw anything else lately”, he admitted, looking to his feet. </p><p>“Kaworu-kun… I want to tell you so much right now. To thank you, at first. I’ve never been more honoured”, Shinji started to say, but got interrupted by Kaworu’s lips on his. He broke apart a while after, saying, “Don’t… Don’t thank me. I’m not a friend doing a drawing of you because it’s your birthday…”.</p><p>Silence fell between the two of them. Shinji wanted to ask the question that hung in the air. <em> Of course you’re not a friend drawing me because it’s my birthday. You did it on your own. So what is it that you wanted to say? You look like you need to take something out. And so do I. I can’t hold it back after seeing all of this.  </em></p><p>At the same time, they turned around to face each other, “Look, Shinji-kun”, “Kaworu-kun, I…”. They looked into each other’s eyes and shut up, not knowing who should go first. Shinji signaled to the other boy that he could be the first. </p><p>“Fuck, this is… Surprisingly hard for me. I didn’t mean for you to see all that”, Kaworu spoke, and Shinji immediately tried to apologize, “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. Maybe a part of me even wanted you to mistake the notebooks so I wouldn’t have to directly show it to you. Because I’m so insecure of… Well, everything. Not only the drawings. If there weren’t such... outright... feelings… on them… They wouldn’t cause me such anxiety.” Shinji perceived his anxiety through his suffered speech, filled with almost stutters and deep pauses. He hugged him as best as he could in their limited space. He could feel how Kaworu’s heart was beating faster than normal through his thin white shirt, how his hand trembled slightly. <em> I never thought we would be in switched positions like this. I didn’t even think he could get nervous.  </em></p><p>“Kaworu-kun, you don’t have to tell me anything, if it’s too hard for you. Of course I’m surprised you’re not spitting poetry as usual, but I don’t think I’ll die from it”, he tried to make it sound like a joke, and it did. Nagisa laughed a bit, his body easing up on the tension. He leaned in for a kiss, and he eased up more.</p><p>“Can I take your turn, then? I’ve been wanting to tell you something”, Shinji asked, a shy smile on his lips. It only felt fair. If Kaworu had been about to tell him what he thought he was, then he wanted to do it first. He’d already taken the first step on their first kiss. This was his time. He nodded, and Shinji continued, “Kaworu-kun. I’ve been holding this back for a while. I didn’t want to make you scared, and I still don’t, just to make it clear. We’ve been together for two months now, and I’m not trying to please you when I say it’s the best time I’ve ever had in my entire life. - Kaworu smiled and hugged him tighter - I’ve learned so much from you, but one thing I haven’t, and probably won’t ever, because I’m a bit of a failure in that sense, is pretty words. I was cracking my head trying to find ways of saying what I need. Because I really do need to say, to speak, to put this urge out of me”. </p><p>He took a pause, and again faced Kaworu’s crimson eyes, who were shining with something he recognized as sheer happiness, “But after seeing those drawings, I decided that until I find a prettier way, I’ll use the words I know, words I’m sure you’ll understand, even if they sound boring comparing to what you could come up with. Because I have to make you see what you mean to me… I think you know by now. Not only do I want you, or need you. I love you. I really do, I’m so in love that I can barely keep my feet on the ground, and-”.</p><p>Kaworu pulled him by the waist and kissed him thoroughly, with such will he barely had time to gain his breath after saying such words. When they split apart, short of breath and disheveled, Kaworu said, “Your words always sound pretty to me, Shinji-kun. Because of your heart, your soul. Everything about you is so beautiful… I wish you could see yourself like I do, just once… You’d see yourself through the eyes of someone who is so in love that barely has enough space on himself to eat or sleep. I’ve been utterly consumed by you”.</p><p>“I did see, though. Through those pages, love”. </p><p>“Then you know you’re so deep in my heart that you’re a part of me. Maybe that’s why I kept trying to draw you and instead it was my face that showed up on the page. Maybe I already knew back then that you’d become mine and I’d be yours, entirely. Will you become tired if I keep saying I love you every two minutes?”. </p><p>“There you are, being all poetic again. I’m so privileged to be a poet’s lover. And, no, I won’t ever get tired. Because I love you just as much, and just the way you are”, Shinji answered with a smile. Kaworu leaned in to kiss him again, smiling too. </p><p>“I’m going to make you my boyfriend, Shinji-kun, you know that, right?”, the pale boy whispered in his ear with a hand in his cheek, which turned hot and red at once.</p><p>“You are? I think I’ll have no choice other than happily accepting it, then”, he answered.</p><p>“I’m divided into kneeling right here and asking for your hand or waiting to do something big and tacky, just like I like it”, Kaworu whispered again, laughing. </p><p>“You should do both, handsome. I want to call you my boyfriend so bad that I’m almost kneeling myself”, Shinji declared, and to that, Kaworu at once got up from the chair and sat on the ground, in front of him. </p><p>“Consider this an informal request. I’ll do better next time”, he whispered before kneeling and pretending to get a box from his trouser’s pocket, “Shinji Ikari, would you accept this humble boy, Kaworu Nagisa, as your loving and pretty and hot and really cool artist boyfriend? Let it be known that this is a dangerous contract that involves you getting compromised to doing a lot of what this prick asks, such as kissing him constantly, posing as his model, playing concerts with him, watching horror movies and jumping in his lap when you get scared… And I can’t make any more funny remarks. I just want to get up and get your kiss before I go crazy”. </p><p>“I’m not even surprised you could make all of this up in a minute, you beautiful bastard. I do! I do a thousand times! May I kiss my bride now?”, Shinji answered, and Kaworu playfully pretended to insert a ring in his finger, and Shinji did the same for him. After that was done, Kaworu made sure to lock the door from the inside and go kiss his boyfriend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i really want to thank everyone for the kind comments :) this fic is becoming such an important part of my life &lt;3 if it ended right here, i think it would be pretty satisfying, but i just cant bring myself to do it yet, so i'll probably write a few more chapters...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>